Reality

So here's mine...I made dinner for no one. The kids were gone and Peter ended up going out with people from work. I got a car but I had to be alone with Papa for fifteen minutes and I cried the whole time. I have a credit card but I still can't cash my check. Coach is devoted to a kid he's with and wants me to be understanding and I am to a point but I really want to crawl in bed with him. I found out today that more people than I thought are actually reading this.

I talked to him this afternoon when our text messages demanded actual conversation. And then I was mad at him all over again for not marrying me because how could she possibly compete? How could he have possily chosen anyone over me? But he did and that's reality and I have to live with it. I really don't want to break up a family and I don't want to be the other woman (even though I already was ten years ago). But I can't stop feeling that he's mine, he's mine, he's mine! I feel like she's just borrowing something and it's about time she returned it. I don't know her. I know nothing about her. I don't want to know her. I don't want to know why he loves her. I don't want to know why he married her instead of me. I hate seeing her face. The only power I have over her is that he was mine first, he was mine again when I wanted him to be, and he can be mine again. But he could only be mine in the way that he wasn't mine. He hasn't been mine. He chose her. Sure, he's been tempted by me but he chose her. He chose her. He chose her. He chose her.

Why didn't he choose me???

Well, he didn't. And anything that happens in the future is still him not choosing me. I'm not what he wants. Never was. Never will be. No matter what I get from him I am not his choice. I never was. And that, my friends, is agonizing.

That, to you who is reading this (and I know you are), is AGONIZING. You could have picked me but you didn't. You may have strayed to me but I AM NOT YOUR CHOICE. Don't think I don't know that. Don't think I don't question why. And I don't believe you if you question why. You made a clear choice. I was lacking. I was not good enough. I was not the type of woman you wanted to marry.

And I think you're a dumbass. I think you made a huge mistake. I have no intention of breaking up a family - ten years ago I didn't care. Today I give a shit. I'm not going to be that woman. But goddamn it.....GODDAMNIT!!!!!!! You are mine. You were always mine. You will always be mine. You made a choice and it was wrong. Now we both have to live with that choice. Given again, knowing what you know, I think you would choose right. I love you. I will always love you. I will always want to talk to you first and be next to you. But how are we supposed to fix that now??

Reality is a mother fucking BITCH.

I just ate an oreo and I think I had an orgasm. Not even kidding.