Frustration and Selfishness

I love that he's with a child who needs him. I love that he waited for the parents to talk to them. I love that he actually has a fucking soul.

But I want him for me right now. I want him to hold me and kiss me and fuck me and be there for ME. I know. Believe me, I know. But I can't help what I want. I can't help that I'm frustrated. I can't help that I'm envious of a child with bigger problems than I will ever have. I just want to crawl into bed with him and forget everything. I just want to crawl into bed with him. I can't have anything that I really want so I will take something that's close. He says he will make it up to me tomorrow. I don't want tomorrow. My heart is set on today and I'm not patient or forgiving or really kind. I want it and I want it now. Always. I've been denied so much in my life. I don't give a fuck. I want it!!!!! Where's my forgiveness? Where's my sympathetic soul? Where's my salvation??? Where the fuck is the dick that I want right now that will make me forget everything else???

Why can't I just be content to be alone? Why do I need comfort so badly? Why do I feel like no one wants me around unless someone wants to fuck me? Who's going to make me forget about HIM and forget how much it HURT? Who's going to fuck him away? Fuck them all away. I just want to forget. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to love. Just let me forget. PLEASE.

This is why death is better. I don't want it anymore. But this is a reason why. You don't know how lonely it is every single fucking night how fucking lonely every single fucking day how fucking lonely every single fucking moment how fucking lonely how fucking lonely how fucking lonely.

I'm fucking lonely.

Who will be my perfect drug? Who will convince me that I am beautiful? Worthy? Who?

I'll never have children. The children that I have belong to someone else. I hope that they know how very much I love them. I hope that someone will love me in that same way. That you are mine and I don't care what you say or do way. But I always fuck up I always disappoint. He chose someone else and that's been the story of my life. They always choose someone else or punish me because I'm not someone else.

Mark was bad. Don't misunderstand. He was bad. He hurt me. He hit me and choked me and threw me and abused me. But I still feel like something in him loved me. No one has ever loved me. Not like that. I know it wasn't healthy and I was right to leave. But something in him actually loved something in me and no one has EVER loved me. I'm a thing to be tolerated. At best.

FUCK