I woke up late by twenty minutes. Thought about not showering but I couldn't do it. So I showered, jumped in the car, and drove into Denver to see Katie. She looked beautiful. She wore a tank top and a skirt and I love her arm tattoo and she recently chopped her hair (she said she told the person cutting it to "Peter Pan that bitch" and it looks amazing). I felt immediately at peace. I told her what happened that night (and btw - it had absolutely nothing to do with L). She made me feel better. Helped me realize it was not my fault and I shouldn't be ashamed of myself and I shouldn't have felt the need to apologize nor to cry for two days. She's right. Then she said she was going to do kinesiology instead of acupuncture and I trust her completely so I said okay. I didn't know what I was in for but I'm eternally grateful that she made me do it.
I was on my back on her table and she started and I almost instantly was in tears. We talked about very difficult things and I told her things reserved for therapists. Parts were terrifying, parts were hilarious, parts were sad - not sad, devastating. Things happened to me that I couldn't have possibly been prepared for and couldn't have possibly expected. Whatever energy she pulled out of me was at times truly, incredibly horrible. I literally raised the temperature in the room. I feel cleansed. I feel good and strong and just the fact that Katie - beautiful, wonderful, inspirational, strong, powerful Katie - loves me and thinks I'm great makes me feel beautiful. Katie loves me. I can't be all bad.
After, I checked my phone and there was a text from L saying he couldn't come over for dinner (I was alone in the house yesterday, last night, and now - until they get back this afternoon). I said okay, don't work too much, have a great day. He said too late, he already worked too much and hurt himself. A few minutes later he said he could meet me somewhere halfway for drinks. I was driving home so I told him to call me or I would text him later. He called. He had hurt himself at work and was tired so I offered to cook dinner still and bring it to him. He said he hadn't really been hungry lately and wasn't really eating much and I said he was doing what I do and said let me come over an force feed you. He laughed and relented and we set the time for 6:30. At this point I was home and I was so very, very tired but oddly energized and happy.
Decided that for the first time in years I was going to bake chocolate chip cookies. Talked online with Ginya and then she called me and I missed it so I called her back and we talked for an hour while I baked cookies. It was wonderful. I haven't heard her voice in months and it was comforting. And there was something so soothing in the act of baking cookies. Then I realized the time and jumped in the shower again. Clean is one thing...unshaven is another altogether. I debated whether or not to put on makeup because I felt lovely just the way I was but I caved and put on makeup anyway. A little extra barrier, if you will. Then I made dinner and packed everything up and included a dozen cookies for L. And I ate one in secret and it was delicious and I cursed genetics for the umpteenth time. I got in the car and headed for L's. I'd been driving for about ten minutes when he texted me "progress?" and I told him I was at University and he said he was heading home right then. Hit a little traffic but nothing like a work day and I arrived at his house just as he was taking the Sheridan exit off of 36. I had to wait just a few minutes for him to get home and was able to look at him in secret as he drove right past me and pulled into his garage.
He was not in the best of moods when I went inside. He didn't like not having time before I got there. Apologized for the mess (there was no mess). Started picking up and when he picked up a basket of laundry to take upstairs I said stop it! He said he was just picking up so I let it go but really...I have no problem with a basket of clean clothes in the living room or a pair of shoes out of place. I took dinner out and he apologized that he had to wash plates for us and I said I would wash them and he said he was already there. So I went and sat on his couch and talked to him but he couldn't hear me over the water so I made my way back to the kitchen and talked to him. I made rosemary garlic encrusted chicken, steamed broccoli, and couscous. Brought cibatta bread for him (not for me). We loaded up plates, made a drink, and sat on his couch. He asked if I wanted to watch something and I said I didn't care because I didn't. I would have been fine just the way things were. So he brought up the menu of movies on his TV (he's a techno geek and...well, the movie set up he has with his laptop and TV makes me wet) and started listing some and then he said Kick Ass and I said YES! We watched Kick Ass and he kept trying to inform me of comic book details but please, bitch. I got this. I kept wowing him with my geektitude.
After the movie he looked for another one he couldn't believe I hadn't seen and while he looked I went out on his balcony to smoke a cigarette and watched him through the blinds and thought about how absolutely beautiful he is and how lucky I am that I know him and have him and he wants to be around me and it has NOTHING to do with sex (which earlier in the day I had committed to Katie that I would not have sex and I would be in a relationship with myself and I would take myself out on dates). I couldn't stop staring at him. Watching his every move. He was like a living work of art to me....one that I would run my fingers over even though the museum had a sign clearly posted to not touch. I don't know his hurts but I know he is something I could stare at and be fascinated by for eternity.
Eventually, I went back inside and asked him what he was doing and he said he didn't have the movie and we started talking about video games. I'm a bigger gamer than he is but that didn't surprise me and I told him so. I'm a bigger gamer than some 17 year old boys.... We started talking about Bioshock and Fallout 3 and I could give birth to Fallout 3's multiples so I got a little animated and made him look up a trailer....but since Fallout New Vegas is coming soon (WHAT!? HELL YEAH!!!!) that's pretty much all he could find and I think I had an orgasm right in front of him watching the damn trailers....I so did not apologize.
And then I wrapped my arms around him and laid my head on his chest and started talking about my morning with Katie. He noticably did not touch me but he also did not push me away. With my arms still around him I moved my head up and kissed his neck and started talking into his ear and told him how glad I was that he was my friend and how happy he made me and then I put my head back down to hia chest and told him it was okay to touch me and I would like that very much and it had nothing to do with sex and he put his hand on my shoulder and a million things exploded inside my heart. I said see, that was easy and it's wonderful and he said there are lines with friends and he didn't want to cross them and I went back up to his neck and kissed him again and said softly into his ear that there are no lines with me. I wasn't looking for sex, I loved being his friend, and I loved him touching me. Then I said I love you and he stiffened a bit and stopped stroking me and I reassured him that it wasn't something he had to say back and I meant that I loved HIM and nothing more and kissed his neck again and moved my head back to his chest and he relaxed. I decided it was time to leave so he could get some sleep and there was more talking and I asked him something I can't remember and he teasingly replied "aren't you supposed to be leaving?" and waved his hand at the door. It hurt my feelings - probably because I had talked about feeling unwanted just that morning and it made me feel unwanted. I got up and went upstairs to use the bathroom and as every second ticked by I was more and more hurt and more and more angry and when I came back downstairs I started yelling at him and told him he hurt my feelings and he yelled right back and said he hadn't meant to hurt my feelings and he hadn't meant anything at all and I calmed down a little and said okay, I'm going home. I love you (jerk - in my head). Then I left.
This morning I was flooded with joy because I felt safe enough with him to yell at him and not fear the consequences and I haven't felt like that in years. So I emailed him and actually thanked him for our little tiff last night. Said he was good for me and I believed I was good for him.
My FB status is; "had a beautiful, love-filled day start to finish" or something along those lines. It was absolute truth.
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