Let Me 'Splain

No, wait. There is too much. Let me sum up.

This is what happened: After we left the pub and went outside, L walked me to my car. He leaned against the hood and we just started talking. Then he said "there's one more thing I need to bring up." My stomach lurched. I took two steps away from him and told him I didn't want to hear what he had to say. It sounded bad. He said it depended on my definition of bad. I took another step away. Finally he said, "would you be upset if I told you I was married?" I started yelling "what the fuck, L?!! You're fucking kidding me, right?!!" and at this point I had backed so far away from him that I was at the trunk of the car and he was still leaning on the hood. He said, "it's a yes or no question. Would you be upset if I told you I was married? Yes or no?" So finally I said, "YES! I would be VERY upset if you told me you were married!!!" and he smiled a little and said "well, I'm not married." I inched a little closer to him and asked why he would do that to me and he said "because now nothing I say could possibly be as bad as that." I was now standing next to him leaning against the hood of the car again and I said, "okay, you're right. It can't be that bad." And I waited....

He said first he had to apologize for last Friday. He said he never intended for the two of us to have sex and that while it was great he would like to "un-ring the sex bell". I said fine. His explanation is that he feels he's repeating old patterns by jumping back into a sexual relationship with me this quickly. That he always gets to the sex immediately and then never gets to know the other person or develop a friendship with them and it never works out. He said he doesn't want that to happen. So no more sex (godDAMNIT!). Then he said he still wants to see me and have dinner with me, go to the movies, meet for drinks, spend time together. He doesn't want to call it dating because it freaks him out and he thinks I'll have expectations of him that he won't be able to fulfill. So L and I are officially NOT dating. We had our first notdate yesterday and went to the movies.

So that night it felt horrible. I felt like he was rejecting me and didn't want me. But we've talked about it some more and worked some things out - and I've had time to process what he really said as opposed to what I heard him say. He's giving us an opportunity to build a relationship without pressure. I am very excited! I always bitch and moan about how men only want sex from me and never want to spend time with me or do things with me and here's L saying no sex, let's DO stuff. I'm looking forward to really getting to know him and becoming his friend.

We talked all day Saturday and made plans for the movies on Sunday. We met at the theater and he held the door open for me, had me go in first, and afterwards we strolled around the Pavillion (downtown on 16th street mall for those who don't know) and took some pictures. Then he walked me down to my car. Talked all afternoon today too.

Really looking forward to seeing him again....