Gotta feel my soul, alright. Save our city. SAVE OUR CITY. RIGHT NOW.
Oh, Jim. Oh, motherfucking Jim. Give up your vows. Well, I woke up this morning, got myself a beer. The future's uncertain, the end is always near. Let it roll, baby, roll, let it roll, all night long.
And now Amy is singing into my ear. Tell your boyfriend next time he's around to buy his own weed and don't wear my shit down. So I can get mine and you get yours. So bring me a bag and your man can come back. I'll check him at the door.
What the FUCK am I doing? WHAT? Ah, god.....my sister is calling me. Avoided. Went next door. Ron was working, Ron wants me. Should I fuck Ron just for the hell of it? He's sweet. He's cute. He just might be really good at it.... but he just might not be. Am I trying to work things out with Mark? Is that what I want? What do I want? Someone tell me what I want because I don't know. I just WANT.
My dog is straight up layed the fuck out in the middle of the floor. And Construction Workers fixing your car in back.....EYES ARE UP HERE. Up here.
Big tits. Thank you, Universe. Please, all men around me, be obsessed. I got 'em. Do you want too? The power of being a woman. I got what you want. Convince me.
Oh...Ron just texted me. Wants to know what I'm doing tonight. What ever should I say?
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Well
Yesterday.....ah, Christ. I was sitting in my jammies with my hair all tangled and curled and a hot mess and my phone rang and it was ___. He was here. I made him wait. I jumped in the shower and got dressed and put on makeup in record time and I told him where I was and he practically knocked at the same time. And there he was. He looks so different and so much the same. My heart ached. I was born and ___ caught me. Not really, of course, but that's how it feels. I have always been in his arms. He told me I was evil. Oh...well, only a little. And shallow. He told me I was shallow. That makes me giggle a little. You get to a place where you have to protect yourself and where you realize that NO ONE is worthy of your trust. You get to a place where you're me and this is what you do. I am so used to hurt. I am so used to not being regarded in the least sense. I am constantly surprised when I realize someone actually loves me. How could you? How could you love me? Are you fucking stupid? And I crave it. And every once in awhile I trust someone. Rare, but it does happen.
And yesterday I found out that my best friend, my BEST FRIEND, tried to fuck Mark and Mark said no. And she told me a completely different story and I didn't believe Mark. And then I saw my sweet baby Kelsea last night and we talked and she completely backed up MARK'S story and I felt horrible. Now I don't know what to do. She's my best friend. She's my girl. I don't mind that she tried to fuck Mark. I mind that she lied to me about it. I mind that she's been lying to me for months. I mind that she told him to throw my stuff out. I mind that she told me not to see him. I mind that she's so fucking shady and for what? She's been telling him things I told HER as my friend. I mind that shit. So now what? My fucking GIRL. NOW what?
Going back to work at the Barrel. I was in there yesterday for lunch and I saw Stormy and she hugged me and smiled at me and said I just gave her a dose of happy. I love the idea of being someone's drug. And then Kevin showed up while I was standing in the vestibule, illegally in jeans and flippies, and ringing in my own order, and he walked up behind me and wrapped his arms around me and snuggled into me and said he was SO fucking happy I was back. I hugged Cheryl and Evelyn and the newbies were looking at me all crazy. Saw Chico again and sat and talked to him. Saw Paul and he yelled at me for telling him I wasn't staying and now I'm on his schedule so what the fuck....
Gave Michelle money to buy candy for her shift and it was Mark's money and now I want to beat the fucking SHIT out of her. He didn't fuck you, did he, bitch? No. I can pull that shit off but YOU FUCKING CAN'T. You should learn from the master. Little girl trying to play in a big girl's world.
I agreed to go somewhere on Saturday and I cannot for the fucking life of me remember what I agreed to.....but it's something to do with Jess and Derwood so I'm all in. Two of the most wonderful people I have ever met in my life AND they're in love AND they're getting married. I would like to curl up between them and never feel sad ever again. Think they have that power? I think they do.
Oh, ___ said he didn't want to hurt me. Funny, right? I said, that's what they all say. He said he knew he hurt me once and he didn't want to do it again. I said I was a child. It was a long time ago. Big girl now. Doesn't want to hurt me. As if, at this point, I would expect him to love me, leave his wife, leave his life, and proclaim his undying love for me. No. Calm yourself. I do NOT expect that. I don't WANT that. I don't know why we are what we are. I don't know why every single time I see you I am twelve years old again and the only girl in school with boobs. I don't know why I am instantly transported to back seats of cars, front lawns, stolen moments in the woods, in your bedroom, in my room, behind the church, carpooling in the station wagon.....I just am. But you have so much NOT to lose. I have nothing. I have no one. You have a wife. You have a daughter. You have THINGS. You have REASONS. Our fate was decided when you got married. But I loved making you shiver with kisses on the side of your neck. And I loved the way you grabbed me and spun me around and kissed me like you just might die. I loved sitting on your lap. I loved you holding me. I wish....but I wish for lots of things.
So what now? Mark is hopelessly in love with me. He fucking LOVES me. And I am so happy to be with him. I know. I fucking KNOW. Shut up. IDK what the fuck I'm going to do. I surprise myself DAILY. Not necessarily in good ways. Maybe he's different? Maybe he's changed? Maybe losing me did something to him? Maybe, maybe, maybe. I'm not leaving his bed anytime soon. He does things to me. Things. Crazy, wonderful, fabulous things. He won't hit me again. He won't. Right? Please tell me he won't hurt me like that again. Please. Because I am hopelessly in love with him. Ridiculously in love with him. I fucking LOVE reaching in the middle of the night and finding HIM. It's HIM. I love him waking me up just to say goodbye, I'll see you in hours. I love sitting next to him. I love the way he looks at me. I love the way he sneak attacks me with a nipple pinch or a tongue between my lips. I love the way he touches my lower back. I love the way he pulls me into him. I love the way he does everything. I love being on top of him and watching his face when I make him explode inside me. I love him. I know, I'm fucking stupid. Crash into me and I come into you.
I'm avoiding everyone who will hold me accountable. Come CRASH into me and baby, I come into you.
And yesterday I found out that my best friend, my BEST FRIEND, tried to fuck Mark and Mark said no. And she told me a completely different story and I didn't believe Mark. And then I saw my sweet baby Kelsea last night and we talked and she completely backed up MARK'S story and I felt horrible. Now I don't know what to do. She's my best friend. She's my girl. I don't mind that she tried to fuck Mark. I mind that she lied to me about it. I mind that she's been lying to me for months. I mind that she told him to throw my stuff out. I mind that she told me not to see him. I mind that she's so fucking shady and for what? She's been telling him things I told HER as my friend. I mind that shit. So now what? My fucking GIRL. NOW what?
Going back to work at the Barrel. I was in there yesterday for lunch and I saw Stormy and she hugged me and smiled at me and said I just gave her a dose of happy. I love the idea of being someone's drug. And then Kevin showed up while I was standing in the vestibule, illegally in jeans and flippies, and ringing in my own order, and he walked up behind me and wrapped his arms around me and snuggled into me and said he was SO fucking happy I was back. I hugged Cheryl and Evelyn and the newbies were looking at me all crazy. Saw Chico again and sat and talked to him. Saw Paul and he yelled at me for telling him I wasn't staying and now I'm on his schedule so what the fuck....
Gave Michelle money to buy candy for her shift and it was Mark's money and now I want to beat the fucking SHIT out of her. He didn't fuck you, did he, bitch? No. I can pull that shit off but YOU FUCKING CAN'T. You should learn from the master. Little girl trying to play in a big girl's world.
I agreed to go somewhere on Saturday and I cannot for the fucking life of me remember what I agreed to.....but it's something to do with Jess and Derwood so I'm all in. Two of the most wonderful people I have ever met in my life AND they're in love AND they're getting married. I would like to curl up between them and never feel sad ever again. Think they have that power? I think they do.
Oh, ___ said he didn't want to hurt me. Funny, right? I said, that's what they all say. He said he knew he hurt me once and he didn't want to do it again. I said I was a child. It was a long time ago. Big girl now. Doesn't want to hurt me. As if, at this point, I would expect him to love me, leave his wife, leave his life, and proclaim his undying love for me. No. Calm yourself. I do NOT expect that. I don't WANT that. I don't know why we are what we are. I don't know why every single time I see you I am twelve years old again and the only girl in school with boobs. I don't know why I am instantly transported to back seats of cars, front lawns, stolen moments in the woods, in your bedroom, in my room, behind the church, carpooling in the station wagon.....I just am. But you have so much NOT to lose. I have nothing. I have no one. You have a wife. You have a daughter. You have THINGS. You have REASONS. Our fate was decided when you got married. But I loved making you shiver with kisses on the side of your neck. And I loved the way you grabbed me and spun me around and kissed me like you just might die. I loved sitting on your lap. I loved you holding me. I wish....but I wish for lots of things.
So what now? Mark is hopelessly in love with me. He fucking LOVES me. And I am so happy to be with him. I know. I fucking KNOW. Shut up. IDK what the fuck I'm going to do. I surprise myself DAILY. Not necessarily in good ways. Maybe he's different? Maybe he's changed? Maybe losing me did something to him? Maybe, maybe, maybe. I'm not leaving his bed anytime soon. He does things to me. Things. Crazy, wonderful, fabulous things. He won't hit me again. He won't. Right? Please tell me he won't hurt me like that again. Please. Because I am hopelessly in love with him. Ridiculously in love with him. I fucking LOVE reaching in the middle of the night and finding HIM. It's HIM. I love him waking me up just to say goodbye, I'll see you in hours. I love sitting next to him. I love the way he looks at me. I love the way he sneak attacks me with a nipple pinch or a tongue between my lips. I love the way he touches my lower back. I love the way he pulls me into him. I love the way he does everything. I love being on top of him and watching his face when I make him explode inside me. I love him. I know, I'm fucking stupid. Crash into me and I come into you.
I'm avoiding everyone who will hold me accountable. Come CRASH into me and baby, I come into you.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Hungry
I'm starving. I want to consume, destroy, fuck, LIVE. Amy Winehouse, you're not helping, bitch. My sisters want to see me. My fucking sisters. SHIT. What am I going to do? Yeah, hi, I'm good. I'm fine. I look great, I hear. Sorry to cut this short but I WANT. I WANT I WANT I WANT.
FUCK.
I'm not going to be able to avoid family for too much longer. What will they expect of me? Oh, I got this covered. They're expecting a train wreck. This is easy. Why was I worried?
I am overwhelmed with this feeling right now. Cross my path. Get mindlessly fucked. Cross my path. I dare you.
FUCK.
I'm not going to be able to avoid family for too much longer. What will they expect of me? Oh, I got this covered. They're expecting a train wreck. This is easy. Why was I worried?
I am overwhelmed with this feeling right now. Cross my path. Get mindlessly fucked. Cross my path. I dare you.
Morton
Oh....my.
So I'm home. "Home". And I've seen eight billion people that love me so much I don't understand it. I've been hugged and passed and hugged and passed and I've had people, PEOPLE - MORE THAN ONE- straight up RUN to me just to throw their arms around me and hold me for a minute and that feels incredible. When someone sees you and RUNS to you and then throws his/her arms around you and then begs you to be home, stay home, never leave, I missed you so much, are you really back....wtf, dude? I'm only human. You guys are making me want to have your children. Oh, wait....
Saw Mark and I'm not gonna lie. I feel like I just met him all over again. I feel like we're both new people. No, nothing is different. Nothing has been decided. In fact, he wants to punch Josh because according to Mark I gave Josh a hand job right in front of him. Josh said he wished he remembered when exactly I gave him this hand job because he would have enjoyed it. Mark hates Josh. AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA Coulda, woulda fucked the SHIT out of Josh but when shit got real he told me he has VD. He has genital warts. And I said how do we protect me? He said condom (fucking DUH, dude! Condom for SURE under ANY fucking circumstance) and then he said but nothing is 100% so I said NO. My vagina is pristine. She's perfect and beautiful and clean and healthy and there is NO way I would risk that for a fuck. So no, HotJosh. You do not get to see, touch, kiss, lick, fuck my deliciously perfect vagina. MOTHER FUCK! And he is SO hot. AND I was drunk. And I still say, DID say, no motherfucking way, dude. NO. Super huge disappointment. I would have LOVED to fuck Josh. And this will NEVER happen.
But Mark...well, not gonna lie. I've been fucking Mark like I just might die tomorrow. In fact, he said last night that "everything is about fucking with you"....well, why is this a mother fucking problem, dude? IDK what is going on in my body hormonally.....I'm 35, probably in some sort of prime....stop fucking questioning shit and FUCK me. Goddamn. This is not a difficult, evil, and/or mean request. And it's like he's new again. You know what I mean. He's brand new but he knows things....I told him it wasn't fair. He knows me SO well. He knows every little thing that I like. He knows to kiss me right where my neck curves. He knows to pinch this or that. He knows EXACTLY what to do and I'm fucking ADDICTED to it. I can't WAIT for him to do it again. And he feels used. That's fucking HILARIOUS.
I feel so pretty. And sexy. And strong. And wild. And capable of ANYTHING. He'll be home in an hour. I'm already taking off my clothes....
Where is the man that will just let me be Sarah and will enjoy every single moment of that and will fuck me, fuck me, fuck me until I don't feel anything at all in the world but him? Where is the man that will let me consume him? I'm hungry.....
So I'm home. "Home". And I've seen eight billion people that love me so much I don't understand it. I've been hugged and passed and hugged and passed and I've had people, PEOPLE - MORE THAN ONE- straight up RUN to me just to throw their arms around me and hold me for a minute and that feels incredible. When someone sees you and RUNS to you and then throws his/her arms around you and then begs you to be home, stay home, never leave, I missed you so much, are you really back....wtf, dude? I'm only human. You guys are making me want to have your children. Oh, wait....
Saw Mark and I'm not gonna lie. I feel like I just met him all over again. I feel like we're both new people. No, nothing is different. Nothing has been decided. In fact, he wants to punch Josh because according to Mark I gave Josh a hand job right in front of him. Josh said he wished he remembered when exactly I gave him this hand job because he would have enjoyed it. Mark hates Josh. AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA Coulda, woulda fucked the SHIT out of Josh but when shit got real he told me he has VD. He has genital warts. And I said how do we protect me? He said condom (fucking DUH, dude! Condom for SURE under ANY fucking circumstance) and then he said but nothing is 100% so I said NO. My vagina is pristine. She's perfect and beautiful and clean and healthy and there is NO way I would risk that for a fuck. So no, HotJosh. You do not get to see, touch, kiss, lick, fuck my deliciously perfect vagina. MOTHER FUCK! And he is SO hot. AND I was drunk. And I still say, DID say, no motherfucking way, dude. NO. Super huge disappointment. I would have LOVED to fuck Josh. And this will NEVER happen.
But Mark...well, not gonna lie. I've been fucking Mark like I just might die tomorrow. In fact, he said last night that "everything is about fucking with you"....well, why is this a mother fucking problem, dude? IDK what is going on in my body hormonally.....I'm 35, probably in some sort of prime....stop fucking questioning shit and FUCK me. Goddamn. This is not a difficult, evil, and/or mean request. And it's like he's new again. You know what I mean. He's brand new but he knows things....I told him it wasn't fair. He knows me SO well. He knows every little thing that I like. He knows to kiss me right where my neck curves. He knows to pinch this or that. He knows EXACTLY what to do and I'm fucking ADDICTED to it. I can't WAIT for him to do it again. And he feels used. That's fucking HILARIOUS.
I feel so pretty. And sexy. And strong. And wild. And capable of ANYTHING. He'll be home in an hour. I'm already taking off my clothes....
Where is the man that will just let me be Sarah and will enjoy every single moment of that and will fuck me, fuck me, fuck me until I don't feel anything at all in the world but him? Where is the man that will let me consume him? I'm hungry.....
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Well
I have so much to say that I don't even feel like writing.
I'm going home tomorrow. By home I don't mean "home". I don't have a "home". I've never had a home. I haven't found it yet. By home I mean the town of my birth. Or, the town of my family. Notice I said "town" and not "city". Deliberate.
So let's see...Oh, I confronted Chris Moses about the fact that he sells fucking overpriced JUICE and he was so offended that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I told him he was hilarious because I thought I was the giant pussy but he proved me wrong. He said I crossed the line and I said that's what I do so draw another one and see what happens and he said no, thank you. What a fucking joke. For the first time ever I really hope that he DOES read this. Special message to you, Chris Moses: Seriously, what the fuck? Are you out of your fucking mind? Are you really that fucking stupid???? Are you that fucking retarded? RETARDED, dude. RE-FUCKING-TARDED. It "cured" your dad's what now? IT CURED NOTHING! Your dad just loves you and can't believe what you're doing and is trying to encourage you because HE'S YOUR FUCKING DAD, YOU FUCKING IDIOT. And you're weird when it comes to sex. WEIRD. What the fuck is wrong with you? And you're not that cute. I can do better. That's why you like plastic bitches. You think you're the shit because they're hot but you have no idea what hot really is. You're fucking infantile. Hot is so much more than fake titties and bleached hair, dude. Keep going to Vegas. Go 'head, baby. Just know I am laughing at you and I'm not the only one. You're getting fucking OLD. Grow up.
Didn't get to see L before I leave tomorrow. I'm okay with that. L is something else. After I spit Chris out I thought I might chew up and spit out L too and I couldn't. I couldn't come up with a single reason to devastate L. He is a very nice man and he has been very nice to me this time around. I'm sad I didn't get to see him but I'm not sad because I think L and I will be good friends for life and who knows what might happen next. I like L. I think that he may not have always been a good guy but he is now and I am not that big of a bitch. L gets a free pass. Not sure he deserves it based on past performance but sure as SHIT he deserves it based on current. L, I love you and you are my friend and you are wonderful....
Oh, Jesus, Amy just came up on shuffle and I LOVE her. This song is one of my faves. Totally nonsense....It's called Monkey Man. Ay yay yay.....
So I'm going home tomorrow. Fuck, gotta Google it now...Hold on...Huggin up the big monkey man....
Anyway, going home tomorrow and facing demons. First stop, Mark. Not even kidding. Steve is picking me up from the airport with Molly May and I'm going straight to Mark's. I have to. Don't judge. I have to see him. I have to talk to him. I have to see what the fuck is going on. No one worry. He certainly won't hit me or be mean to me. He seems to have made changes. No, I'm not fucking stupid. I don't believe it. No, I'm not going back to him. FUCK you for thinking so little of me. I just have to see. I have to see him again. There are things....
And I can't wait to see _____. Can't even give him a letter, really. But you know him. My childhood sweetheart. My longtime love. The one who should have married me. I plan to see him too. And that's no more self-destructive than seeing Mark. Oh, he would NEVER and has NEVER and would NEVER did I mention NEVER hit me! But hurt? Not now. Not on purpose. But he has hurt me and I've never been grown up enough to accept that life is truly a fucking BITCH and even when you don't intend to or would never mean to, you hurt the ones you love and this is entirely different than the last time we saw each other and so much more has happened in my life and I just want to see someone who was there at my birth and loved me right then (okay, he wasn't there at my birth but it feels like it) and has never stopped and I don't want to do anything to...well, I just want to see him and see his big, deep, endless brown eyes and his smile and there's this way that he looks at me that makes me feel like he fucking sees me and I want that....
shit, racing thoughts....
Lot's of stuff....so much. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. And somehow I feel so strong and powerful. I feel amazing. I feel like I can face these things finally and keep my dignity and integrity and I feel like I OWN this shit. Of course, I'm probably completely wrong but I can't shake the feeling that I am HERE. Don't really give a shit about anything other than figuring out what I need to survive the next moment. So fair warning, I am not thinking about anything but myself. Not necessarily in selfish terms. Selfish by definition I suppose, but not with selfish intentions. I just have to figure things out for myself so if you cross my path just please understand, it's not that I don't care about you or your circumstance....I'm just figuring ME out right now. I would never intentionally hurt anyone. Not anymore. I just have to think about me and figure me out.
Honestly, I'm certain that I won't figure me out. I think it will take me the rest of my life and I find that rather exciting. In fact, I was told tonight by someone who prides herself on figuring people out to "please just be simpler". I rather like not being able to predict myself. I rather like that when I just show up shit happens, just because I am there. I feel like a mathematical variable. Chaos theory. Oh, my. I enjoy that idea very much. I'm sure none of the rest of you do. Makes me even happier. Dare you. I fucking DARE you.
Sarah is a fucking vortex. Where will you find yourself when you come out on the other side? Where will I find myself?
I'm going home tomorrow. By home I don't mean "home". I don't have a "home". I've never had a home. I haven't found it yet. By home I mean the town of my birth. Or, the town of my family. Notice I said "town" and not "city". Deliberate.
So let's see...Oh, I confronted Chris Moses about the fact that he sells fucking overpriced JUICE and he was so offended that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I told him he was hilarious because I thought I was the giant pussy but he proved me wrong. He said I crossed the line and I said that's what I do so draw another one and see what happens and he said no, thank you. What a fucking joke. For the first time ever I really hope that he DOES read this. Special message to you, Chris Moses: Seriously, what the fuck? Are you out of your fucking mind? Are you really that fucking stupid???? Are you that fucking retarded? RETARDED, dude. RE-FUCKING-TARDED. It "cured" your dad's what now? IT CURED NOTHING! Your dad just loves you and can't believe what you're doing and is trying to encourage you because HE'S YOUR FUCKING DAD, YOU FUCKING IDIOT. And you're weird when it comes to sex. WEIRD. What the fuck is wrong with you? And you're not that cute. I can do better. That's why you like plastic bitches. You think you're the shit because they're hot but you have no idea what hot really is. You're fucking infantile. Hot is so much more than fake titties and bleached hair, dude. Keep going to Vegas. Go 'head, baby. Just know I am laughing at you and I'm not the only one. You're getting fucking OLD. Grow up.
Didn't get to see L before I leave tomorrow. I'm okay with that. L is something else. After I spit Chris out I thought I might chew up and spit out L too and I couldn't. I couldn't come up with a single reason to devastate L. He is a very nice man and he has been very nice to me this time around. I'm sad I didn't get to see him but I'm not sad because I think L and I will be good friends for life and who knows what might happen next. I like L. I think that he may not have always been a good guy but he is now and I am not that big of a bitch. L gets a free pass. Not sure he deserves it based on past performance but sure as SHIT he deserves it based on current. L, I love you and you are my friend and you are wonderful....
Oh, Jesus, Amy just came up on shuffle and I LOVE her. This song is one of my faves. Totally nonsense....It's called Monkey Man. Ay yay yay.....
So I'm going home tomorrow. Fuck, gotta Google it now...Hold on...Huggin up the big monkey man....
Anyway, going home tomorrow and facing demons. First stop, Mark. Not even kidding. Steve is picking me up from the airport with Molly May and I'm going straight to Mark's. I have to. Don't judge. I have to see him. I have to talk to him. I have to see what the fuck is going on. No one worry. He certainly won't hit me or be mean to me. He seems to have made changes. No, I'm not fucking stupid. I don't believe it. No, I'm not going back to him. FUCK you for thinking so little of me. I just have to see. I have to see him again. There are things....
And I can't wait to see _____. Can't even give him a letter, really. But you know him. My childhood sweetheart. My longtime love. The one who should have married me. I plan to see him too. And that's no more self-destructive than seeing Mark. Oh, he would NEVER and has NEVER and would NEVER did I mention NEVER hit me! But hurt? Not now. Not on purpose. But he has hurt me and I've never been grown up enough to accept that life is truly a fucking BITCH and even when you don't intend to or would never mean to, you hurt the ones you love and this is entirely different than the last time we saw each other and so much more has happened in my life and I just want to see someone who was there at my birth and loved me right then (okay, he wasn't there at my birth but it feels like it) and has never stopped and I don't want to do anything to...well, I just want to see him and see his big, deep, endless brown eyes and his smile and there's this way that he looks at me that makes me feel like he fucking sees me and I want that....
shit, racing thoughts....
Lot's of stuff....so much. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. And somehow I feel so strong and powerful. I feel amazing. I feel like I can face these things finally and keep my dignity and integrity and I feel like I OWN this shit. Of course, I'm probably completely wrong but I can't shake the feeling that I am HERE. Don't really give a shit about anything other than figuring out what I need to survive the next moment. So fair warning, I am not thinking about anything but myself. Not necessarily in selfish terms. Selfish by definition I suppose, but not with selfish intentions. I just have to figure things out for myself so if you cross my path just please understand, it's not that I don't care about you or your circumstance....I'm just figuring ME out right now. I would never intentionally hurt anyone. Not anymore. I just have to think about me and figure me out.
Honestly, I'm certain that I won't figure me out. I think it will take me the rest of my life and I find that rather exciting. In fact, I was told tonight by someone who prides herself on figuring people out to "please just be simpler". I rather like not being able to predict myself. I rather like that when I just show up shit happens, just because I am there. I feel like a mathematical variable. Chaos theory. Oh, my. I enjoy that idea very much. I'm sure none of the rest of you do. Makes me even happier. Dare you. I fucking DARE you.
Sarah is a fucking vortex. Where will you find yourself when you come out on the other side? Where will I find myself?
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
Reality
I think I am a child of moments. I think I will do anything, anything at all, just for the emotional experience of it. There is no one who could always make me happy, always satisfy me and that is no one's fault, not even mine. But I will fucking fight for the experience of everything. I can't feel anything else at all. I can only feel those moments everyone else lives for, is happy for, is grateful for, can wait for. I can't wait for them. I burn, burn, burn. Give them to me. Give me your love in increments. I know you can never love me forever. I change, change, change every moment. No one can keep up with that. No one. In my fucking massive desire for everything I get everything. I get everything I want but that peace that comes from this is the end, baby. This is perfect. I have a perfect but no one can achieve it and so my perfect is what is perfect right this moment. I'm more certain than ever that I've actually left a string of lovers in my wake who want me so badly it makes them question and that makes me feel sexy and strong and destructive and POWERFUL. I know you want me. I KNOW IT. Now YOU have to live with that and your decisions....I, on the other hand, while alone and childless, am FREE. I am FREE. FREE. Are you?
You're not, love. None of you are. And I can have you. All of you. I can destroy lives and families and worlds....
I feel mother fucking mythical.
You're not, love. None of you are. And I can have you. All of you. I can destroy lives and families and worlds....
I feel mother fucking mythical.
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