Success!

Of course not. Jesus, do you know me at all? I have managed to make Kulin so angry with me that she wants me out of her house. I'm a mother fucking rock star. That's right. She says she knows that I've just come out of a horrible situation but that I'm a poor role model for her children so I need to go. Just like that. Then threatened not to pay me tomorrow. Oh, and helped get Papa to take back his car and give it to Thom. So now I have no money, no car, no home. But hell, I'm not getting beat up, right?

Funny, there was an odd sort of security with Mark - though no safety. Is it better to live with someone who may or may not hit you, may or may not be mean to you, may or may not choke you until you lose consciousness.....or this?

I'm still planning to move to London. I will get a second job. But first I have to figure out where a broke bitch and her dog are going to live. I knew she would do this. I knew before I ever moved out here that there wouldn't be security living with Kulin. I almost didn't move here but it was that or die and fuck if I didn't choose life. She says I can't control my addiction because I'm still smoking and I drink too much. This from the woman who drinks every single day. But she fakes it better than I can. Or I drink more. Or I just don't give a shit. Probably I just don't give a shit. And this weekend alone I painted Ryan and his friend's faces for his first high school football game. Then I took him to buy a school pride shirt. Then I drove them to the game. Then I went to pick them up after because she was at dinner DRINKING with her husband. And on Sunday when she wasn't home and her sick twelve year old daughter came home I was the one who held her. I was the one who made her dinner and gave her medicine. And Monday, when I was feeling exceptionally low and she ditched her TWO sick kids to run around all afternoon and have a cocktail I was the one who held Meg AND Ryan (and Tripper, actually...I was covered) and I was the one who played video games with Ryan and I was the one who helped Megan with her algebra. Oh, but she picked up taco bell on her way home and gave me her leftovers from lunch.

I'm a poor role model. I've got news for her. Her oldest son has been drinking well before I was his role model. Has tried pot. Smokes tobacco out of a hookah that he hides from her in his safe in his room. Smokes DAILY and he had that shit long before I got here. And the middle son got drunk with the older son when their parents were out of town and let me take the fall for it. Oh, yeah, I drank an entire case of beer in addition to seven bottles of wine over the course of two days. I wasn't EVEN HOME. And the middle one is watching porn which, again, has NOTHING to do with me.

She says she "knows" about my situation. She has NO FUCKING IDEA. And yeah, I drink too much. I'd drink more if I thought I could function that way. I'd drink myself to death if it meant I didn't have this fucking gaping empty gnawing ache in my soul. She doesn't "know" anything. She can acknowledge that my self-esteem is shot to hell right now but she can't acknowledge that it's going to take time for me to heal. I spent FIVE FUCKING YEARS getting abused in every way imaginable and being told it was love and I'm supposed to be better because it hasn't happened in three months and the only abuse I've had to endure is hers? And she would never consider herself abusive. But being told regularly that you're not good enough and you have to do something else or something better and you can't do this and you can't do that and you have to eat this and you have to go to the gym with me every morning (because god fucking FORBID I'm fat) and you can only have these friends and even though you're 35 you have to call or text and let me know where you are at all times and you can't ever have a day where you just don't feel like doing anything and you can't cry and you can't be scared but oh, yeah, you're doing great by the way. Real proud of you.

FUCK FUCK FUCK

At least this time she sent me an email to tell me what a piece of shit I am. I didn't have to sit there and look at her perfect, beautiful face and discuss my drinking problem over a bottle or two of wine. Yeah, figure that one out.

And He Accepts No Blame

This is what I swore just days ago to never tell. A little dose of Katie changed that. I'm not keeping other people's secrets anymore.

I texted him last night and I was ANGRY. I stood up for myself and told him I wasn't entirely to blame. He said he couldn't talk. This morning he called me and I tried to answer the phone but my earbuds were plugged into it. So I called him back and the damn things were still plugged in but I realized it and took them out and he was still there. He said it sounded like I needed to talk even though he pointed out that the night this happened I said I never wanted to talk about it again. I've had time to process things now and I did want to talk. Mostly, I wanted to yell and scream and claw his fucking face off with his fucking holier-than-thou smug fucking smile. But I was calm. Steady. He said he was sorry for what happened and I said that was nice to hear but it wasn't going to work because he didn't believe he was at fault in any way so for just what was he apologizing?

He had no answer for me. Kept placating me. I told him to stop it. To be real for fucking once and stop telling me what I want to hear. He said he was being real and this is who he is and he doesn't know how to be any different. Then he asked me if I still wanted to be friends and I told him that was the stupidest fucking question I'd ever heard. Of course I still want to be friends. We have always been friends and if I didn't why would this be so fucking important to me? Why would I have cried for two days over it if I didn't still want to be his friend? He acknowledged that he had indeed asked a stupid fucking question.

He asked if I believed he had provoked it and I said yes, in a way. He disagreed. He said he knew I needed a friend, badly, and he had just been trying to be that friend in the best way possible and then I blindsided him. I asked him why he kicked me out and didn't just handle it and he said because it seemed like a reasonable idea at the time. I told him the conversation was incredibly painful for me. Asked him when he would be home again. He's gone for another week. He asked if I wanted to hang out and I said yes and then he said his wife was really looking forward to it. His fucking wife. I still said yes.

I had my head on his lap and he was running his fingers through my hair and holding my breast and doesn't feel it was in any way his fault. Not at all. He was just being my friend. I was the one who was out of line. He was fucking translating an Italian movie for me and it was one of the most romantic experiences of my life! I had just been crying against his stomach while he held me. I was DRUNK. HE was drunk. WTF? I'm only fucking HUMAN.

I told him it wasn't so much that I wanted to have sex with him but that I wanted to crawl inside his body and not feel anything. I just wanted to take up residence in his skin for a while. Sex was the only way I could think of to do that. I wasn't thinking about wives or children. I was thinking I am with him again and I don't want to leave. I wanted the world to fade out. And then he took me home and let me cry my eyes out in front of him and let me feel terrible about myself and he just SAT there and had the fucking audacity to say I had offended him.

Good news, he said today that I could stop feeling bad about it. What a fucking relief.

OH MY GOD FIND A CURE FOR MY LIFE

My Saturday

I woke up late by twenty minutes. Thought about not showering but I couldn't do it. So I showered, jumped in the car, and drove into Denver to see Katie. She looked beautiful. She wore a tank top and a skirt and I love her arm tattoo and she recently chopped her hair (she said she told the person cutting it to "Peter Pan that bitch" and it looks amazing). I felt immediately at peace. I told her what happened that night (and btw - it had absolutely nothing to do with L). She made me feel better. Helped me realize it was not my fault and I shouldn't be ashamed of myself and I shouldn't have felt the need to apologize nor to cry for two days. She's right. Then she said she was going to do kinesiology instead of acupuncture and I trust her completely so I said okay. I didn't know what I was in for but I'm eternally grateful that she made me do it.

I was on my back on her table and she started and I almost instantly was in tears. We talked about very difficult things and I told her things reserved for therapists. Parts were terrifying, parts were hilarious, parts were sad - not sad, devastating. Things happened to me that I couldn't have possibly been prepared for and couldn't have possibly expected. Whatever energy she pulled out of me was at times truly, incredibly horrible. I literally raised the temperature in the room. I feel cleansed. I feel good and strong and just the fact that Katie - beautiful, wonderful, inspirational, strong, powerful Katie - loves me and thinks I'm great makes me feel beautiful. Katie loves me. I can't be all bad.

After, I checked my phone and there was a text from L saying he couldn't come over for dinner (I was alone in the house yesterday, last night, and now - until they get back this afternoon). I said okay, don't work too much, have a great day. He said too late, he already worked too much and hurt himself. A few minutes later he said he could meet me somewhere halfway for drinks. I was driving home so I told him to call me or I would text him later. He called. He had hurt himself at work and was tired so I offered to cook dinner still and bring it to him. He said he hadn't really been hungry lately and wasn't really eating much and I said he was doing what I do and said let me come over an force feed you. He laughed and relented and we set the time for 6:30. At this point I was home and I was so very, very tired but oddly energized and happy.

Decided that for the first time in years I was going to bake chocolate chip cookies. Talked online with Ginya and then she called me and I missed it so I called her back and we talked for an hour while I baked cookies. It was wonderful. I haven't heard her voice in months and it was comforting. And there was something so soothing in the act of baking cookies. Then I realized the time and jumped in the shower again. Clean is one thing...unshaven is another altogether. I debated whether or not to put on makeup because I felt lovely just the way I was but I caved and put on makeup anyway. A little extra barrier, if you will. Then I made dinner and packed everything up and included a dozen cookies for L. And I ate one in secret and it was delicious and I cursed genetics for the umpteenth time. I got in the car and headed for L's. I'd been driving for about ten minutes when he texted me "progress?" and I told him I was at University and he said he was heading home right then. Hit a little traffic but nothing like a work day and I arrived at his house just as he was taking the Sheridan exit off of 36. I had to wait just a few minutes for him to get home and was able to look at him in secret as he drove right past me and pulled into his garage.

He was not in the best of moods when I went inside. He didn't like not having time before I got there. Apologized for the mess (there was no mess). Started picking up and when he picked up a basket of laundry to take upstairs I said stop it! He said he was just picking up so I let it go but really...I have no problem with a basket of clean clothes in the living room or a pair of shoes out of place. I took dinner out and he apologized that he had to wash plates for us and I said I would wash them and he said he was already there. So I went and sat on his couch and talked to him but he couldn't hear me over the water so I made my way back to the kitchen and talked to him. I made rosemary garlic encrusted chicken, steamed broccoli, and couscous. Brought cibatta bread for him (not for me). We loaded up plates, made a drink, and sat on his couch. He asked if I wanted to watch something and I said I didn't care because I didn't. I would have been fine just the way things were. So he brought up the menu of movies on his TV (he's a techno geek and...well, the movie set up he has with his laptop and TV makes me wet) and started listing some and then he said Kick Ass and I said YES! We watched Kick Ass and he kept trying to inform me of comic book details but please, bitch. I got this. I kept wowing him with my geektitude.

After the movie he looked for another one he couldn't believe I hadn't seen and while he looked I went out on his balcony to smoke a cigarette and watched him through the blinds and thought about how absolutely beautiful he is and how lucky I am that I know him and have him and he wants to be around me and it has NOTHING to do with sex (which earlier in the day I had committed to Katie that I would not have sex and I would be in a relationship with myself and I would take myself out on dates). I couldn't stop staring at him. Watching his every move. He was like a living work of art to me....one that I would run my fingers over even though the museum had a sign clearly posted to not touch. I don't know his hurts but I know he is something I could stare at and be fascinated by for eternity.

Eventually, I went back inside and asked him what he was doing and he said he didn't have the movie and we started talking about video games. I'm a bigger gamer than he is but that didn't surprise me and I told him so. I'm a bigger gamer than some 17 year old boys.... We started talking about Bioshock and Fallout 3 and I could give birth to Fallout 3's multiples so I got a little animated and made him look up a trailer....but since Fallout New Vegas is coming soon (WHAT!? HELL YEAH!!!!) that's pretty much all he could find and I think I had an orgasm right in front of him watching the damn trailers....I so did not apologize.

And then I wrapped my arms around him and laid my head on his chest and started talking about my morning with Katie. He noticably did not touch me but he also did not push me away. With my arms still around him I moved my head up and kissed his neck and started talking into his ear and told him how glad I was that he was my friend and how happy he made me and then I put my head back down to hia chest and told him it was okay to touch me and I would like that very much and it had nothing to do with sex and he put his hand on my shoulder and a million things exploded inside my heart. I said see, that was easy and it's wonderful and he said there are lines with friends and he didn't want to cross them and I went back up to his neck and kissed him again and said softly into his ear that there are no lines with me. I wasn't looking for sex, I loved being his friend, and I loved him touching me. Then I said I love you and he stiffened a bit and stopped stroking me and I reassured him that it wasn't something he had to say back and I meant that I loved HIM and nothing more and kissed his neck again and moved my head back to his chest and he relaxed. I decided it was time to leave so he could get some sleep and there was more talking and I asked him something I can't remember and he teasingly replied "aren't you supposed to be leaving?" and waved his hand at the door. It hurt my feelings - probably because I had talked about feeling unwanted just that morning and it made me feel unwanted. I got up and went upstairs to use the bathroom and as every second ticked by I was more and more hurt and more and more angry and when I came back downstairs I started yelling at him and told him he hurt my feelings and he yelled right back and said he hadn't meant to hurt my feelings and he hadn't meant anything at all and I calmed down a little and said okay, I'm going home. I love you (jerk - in my head). Then I left.

This morning I was flooded with joy because I felt safe enough with him to yell at him and not fear the consequences and I haven't felt like that in years. So I emailed him and actually thanked him for our little tiff last night. Said he was good for me and I believed I was good for him.

My FB status is; "had a beautiful, love-filled day start to finish" or something along those lines. It was absolute truth.

Dancing

For some reason we were talking about dancing today and Kulin said she didn't understand why I could dance the way I do and I said it's because I danced in the kitchen with my daddy since I was a little girl and she said your dad SWING dances. That's how you know how to SWING dance (I'm a very good swing dancer btw). A white girl just shouldn't have that kind of groove.

So now I'm dancing in my bedroom all alone with my iPhone plugged into my ears wearing panties and a shirt and sweating. And I'm so FUCKING happy.

Yay!

PS - I know exactly why I dance this way....best thing Roy ever taught me....well, maybe not the best.....

PSS - there is a direct link between sex and dancing....those damned Southern Baptists were on to something....

Shadowboxer

Once my lover now my friend. What a cruel thing to pretend. What a cunning way to condescend. Once my lover now my friend. Oh, you creep up like the clouds and you set my soul at ease. Then you let your love abound and you bring me to my knees. Oh, it's so evil, babe, the way you let your grace enrapture me. When well you know I'd be insane to ever let that dirty game recapture me.

You made me a shadowboxer, baby. I wanna be ready for what you do. I been swinging around 'cause I don't know when you're gonna make your move.

Oh, your gaze is dangerous and you fill your space so sweet. If I let you get too close, you'll set your spell on me. So, darlin', I just want to say, in case I don't come through. I was on to every play. I just wanted you. Oh, it's so evil, my love, the way you've no reverence to my concern. So, I'll be sure to stay wary of you, love, to save the pain of once my flame and twice my burn.

And so I'm a shadowboxer, baby. I wanna be ready for what you do. I been swingin' around at nothin'. I don't know when you're gonna make your move. Yeah, I'm a shadowboxer, baby. I wanna be ready for what you do. I been swingin' around at me 'cauce I don't know when you're gonna make your move.

Decisions Bad and Good

Well, this week I've managed to do something so horribly low that I cannot face it. And no, I will never NEVER tell anyone. Let's just say something that started out amazing ended very badly and I'm lucky this person is still my friend and can even look at me. This event, of course, sent me reeling and I cried for two solid days and was forced to examine what the fuck I was doing and how I could be doing these things and then Kulin and I sat out back over two bottles of wine and talked.

She asked me what I had always wanted to do, what was my dream? At first I said I didn't know. She said I seemed miserable here and she thought maybe this wasn't my answer. So we started talking about my past ventures and how I'd almost been a nanny in Greece and how I'd thought about working on a cruise ship so I could travel and when she asked me again what I'd always wanted to do the answer was clear.

I have always, always, wanted to live in London.

So last night I started searching for jobs in London. Started tweaking my resume today. Have found hundreds of jobs for which I'm qualified. Started networking with colleagues whose businesses are based in the UK. Started researching work visas. I have no husband, no boyfriend, no kids, and no reason to stay.

I'm moving to London.

But if you're reading this only you get to know. Don't start talking about it with other people who know me, please. I want to wait until I have a job, work visa, renewed passport, and an airline ticket before I tell anyone that I'm leaving the country. But I am leaving the country. If I can't get a job in London I'll take a job somewhere else.....

I've also been considering Moscow, I have always wanted to learn Russian.

Warding off Evil

Today feels like it's going to be bad....psychologically. Spent my morning laughing and then crying and then faked my way through a conference call and then made lunch I don't want to eat but I don't want any questions or confrontations and then I'm trying to leave L alone so he doesn't get sick of me and I only have one cigarette left and I'm going to smoke it anyway and I really want a drink even though it's only noon and Katie loves me and is a rockstar and I love Paula's front porch and I can't breathe even though I know I am breathing and I can't think even though all I can do is think and I can't do this day, I can't do this day, I can't do this day

I wanna run....just run and run and run and run

I hate him so much for hurting me. When do I get to be just a normal girl? I'm so sad today. I feel broken and empty and worthless. Why am I so sad today?

This Shit Only Happens to ME

Got a text from coach this morning. Well, I get one nearly every morning and just ignore it. Today he asked if I didn't like him anymore. I told him I did but that my life had recently been complicated by an ex and though we weren't fucking we were seeing each other again and I didn't think that was fair to him so I've stayed away. He said "let me fuck you good one night this week."

*sigh*

I said, "while I would love to have sex (with ANYONE) I just don't think I can." To which he replied, "well, nevermind if it's like that." I said "Told you. Complicated." Hours have passed and this is the text message I just received: "I want your kat".

*heavy sigh*

Slowly Now

This isn't love. It's only something new.

Bliss

Dinner was fantastic. He was a half an hour late (well, 25 minutes) and felt terrible about it. He met all the kids and a bonus one from the neighborhood. We sat by the firepit with Peter and Kulin and made S'mores. He taught me how to make one because I seriously had no clue other than the basics and I was screwing it up (burning marshmallows, not melting chocolate). He said he thought if he knew something everyone else should know it because he has access to the same information. I have said the exact same thing on different occasions. Not that I think other people are dumber than me (mostly, not gonna lie). No movie in the backyard but we did sit by the firepit alone and talk for hours. He still won't have sex with me. I kinda like it. Yes, I will chase your incredibly large carrot. :)

I finished his sentences. Knew the words he was searching for. Peter started calling us the "Discovery Channel people". We talked about snakes and spiders that eat birds and Machu Picchu and the Amazon and then the men started talking about "sport bikes" (crotch rockets!!!) and Kulin and I just stared at each other blankly. At one point Kulin and I went inside to get stuff for the S'mores and when I came back out Peter and L stopped talking so I just put down the marshmallows and went back inside. Still don't know what they were talking about....have to make Peter tell me.

He was a hit. Kulin said he's different than every guy I've ever dated. Said I usually go for really funny and nothing else or completely testosterone driven and nothing else. He's different altogether. And Megan gave him a pet rock. A girl. We named her Tiggy (Tih-Gee). He's to feed her two pebbles a day. He asked Megan if that was cannibalism. She said what?

I am completely, devastatingly, hopelessly in love with L again. I just fucking invited him to my sister's wedding.

Two More Hours

Just two more hours until L is here. :) Kulin made dinner and I picked up the Svedka. I hope to end up on a blanket with him in the backyard tonight to watch a movie on the inflatable screen. I'm hoping he's too drunk to drive home. Fuck! I totally didn't buy condoms. I SUCK at this.

ARRRGGGHHHH

FUCK you, Chris Moses. FUCK YOU!!!! You fucking ASS.

I fucking HATE you. FUCK you. Why? Why are you doing this to me??? What the FUCK is your problem???? Just out of nowhere ask me to suck your fucking cock? Really??? AND I WOULD YOU FUCKING BASTARD.

I HATE YOU.

I Hate Myself

FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK

what is WRONG with me?

Oh No

I was sitting outside and staring at the stars and just fucking SMILING and I realized something terrible. I am totally in love with L all over again.

Now something horrible is going to happen. When I love someone....well....no one can survive me. I simply cannot wait to see him tomorrow. I can't wait to feel his arms around me. I can't fucking WAIT to see his face. He is amazing. He is incredible. He is beyond description. I love L. Again. FUCK.

Love is the absolute best feeling ever.

WHAT THE FUCK???? WHY IS CHRIS MOSES CALLING ME????

Oh

Yeah....he also has a ridiculously HUGE cock. I don't have any condoms. Should I buy condoms?? If you have a huge cock do you really need Magnums or can you actually use regular condoms??? I don't think he's going to fuck me but if I don't have condoms I KNOW he's not going to fuck me....and I KNOW cock....his is LARGE. Can it fit a regular condom? Shit. I'm buying condoms tomorrow for the first time in YEARS. Just in case. Christ, I hope I need one. Or three. I'm just going to go with Magnums. Seriously. Cock is HUGE. Bonus!!!!!! When I'm on top I can't even sit all the way down....my girls know what I mean.


AND he's awesome????? I can notdate this man for the rest of my life.

He Said "You're really an ugly girl"

I have never, ever, felt pretty. Cute....maybe..sometimes..on a good day...but never pretty. Mostly, I feel ugly. I have curly hair. Who can be pretty with curly hair????

When L looks at me I feel beautiful. When L touches me I feel sexy. When L smiles at me I feel like I'm the only girl in the fucking world,

I just really wish I wasn't an ugly girl.

Yay!

L is coming over to meet the fam on Sunday....well, if he can't get on a flight to KC. So everyone, collectively, hope he doesn't get on that flight to KC. Thank you. He said today that he promised not to ask anymore big questions until he was ready for the big sit-down. I thanked him and said I could now avoid that awkward call to my therapist. Said avoidance was my super-power and denial played second chair. Called my therapist anyway. Sure hope she calls me back. I told him that Kulin wanted to know when he was coming over for cocktails by the firepit and he said "tell her when I'm damn good and ready!!!!" and I was in the car with her at the time and showed her and we laughed our asses off. She's put out that he's met Thom and not her. She said, "when is he coming over? I mean, he's met THOM." And she said Thom really liked him and she was glad. I said I KNEW Thom would like him. She said she was glad Thom liked him on a technical level - for Trip. That Thom liked his editorial skills and film knowledge and techno-geek abilities. Peter's going to like him too.

What L doesn't know is that this is like meeting my family. Different, but the same. This is my chosen family. Not that I don't love the shit out of my real family. But these are my peeps. My daily life. He's going to meet my kids. I'm super excited for him to meet my kids. I told him to bring his laptop so we can watch a movie outside on the giant inflatable screen. I asked him if he drank wine or if I should get him some Svedka and he said he would bring something. Told him we were hosting so NO. He said Svedka was fine and then asked about a veggie tray. I said now he was being kind of demanding but okay and he said he meant HE would BRING a veggie tray. I said make it cheese and crackers and Peter will love you forever. He said cheese and crackers it is. Then I told him he didn't have to bring anything at all, he just had to show up and he said he couldn't show up empty handed. He's such a NICE boy. He walks me to my car after everything (even lunch at Qdoba in Highlands Ranch and there is NOTHING safer than that) and waits for me to get inside. He opens all my doors. I've never in my life dated such a gentleman. I fucking LOVE it. Like on a ridiculous level. I feel so feminine.

I told HIM to pick a night to come over and I was SO thinking it would be sometime during the week and I'd have to suffer and wait and wait and wait and wait....and he picked SUNDAY. Now if I can just make Saturday hurry up and go.....

Jesus.

I really, REALLY, love notdating L. I want to keep him forever. Do you think the Universe could actually be nice to me for once and let me have this incredible man? Do you think that maybe, MAYBE, I could keep him? He could be nice to me forever? He could love me even more than he does? Do you think I deserve him?

Does he deserve me?

Kulin asked me today how long I would allow the no-sex thing to continue and I said I'm really happy right now so I don't care how long....well, for a little while anyway. I said I didn't think he doesn't want me. That doesn't go away, right? I'm pretty sure he wants me. He can't stop looking down my shirt. And who has sex with someone and then decides he doesn't want to anymore? I know he wants to. That makes me feel even more special. I know he wants to and he's not and he's with me most of the time. Because he actually LIKES me. And he's not scared of my crazy. He doesn't avoid me. He is fucking amazing.

L. Of all people. L is the one. Awkward, tall, smart, kind, sweet, geeky L. And if he's not, then I really have no fucking CLUE about life.

Speaking of Lesbians....

If one more guy in the course of my life asks me if I've ever been with a woman I will stab him in the eye. In the EYE.

No, L has never asked me that. It was someone else. Watch porn, asshole. Worry about your own sexuality. FUCK.

And if one of you reading this asks me that you better be a fucking woman. It would NOT be funny. Re-think that.

Shameless

I cannot name this. I cannot explain this and I really don't want to. Just call me shameless. I cannot slow this down let alone stop this. And I keep looking 'round but I cannot top this. If I had any sense I guess I'd fear this. I guess I'd keep it down so no one would hear this. I guess I'd shut my mouth and rethink a minute. But I can't shut it now 'cause there's something in it.

We're in a room without a door. And I am sure without a doubt. They're gonna wanna know how we got in here. They're gonna wanna know how we plan to get out. We better have a good explanation for all the fun we had. 'Cause they are coming for us, baby. They are going to be mad. Yep, they're going to be mad at us.

This is my skeleton. This is the skin it's in. That is, according to light and gravity. I'll take off my disguise, the mask you met me in, 'cause I got something fun for you to see. Just give me your skeleton. Give me the skin it's in. Yeah, baby, this is you according to me. And I never avert my eyes. I never compromise so never, nevermind, the poetry.

We're in a room without a door. And I am sure without a doubt. They're gonna wanna know how we got in here and they're gonna wanna know how we plan to get out. We better have a good explanation for all the fun we had. 'Cause they are coming for us, baby. They are going to be mad. Yep, they're going to be mad at us.

I gotta cover my butt 'cause I covet another man's wife and I got to divide my emotions into wrong and right. And then I got to see how close I can get to it without giving in and then I got to rub up against it 'til I break the skin. Yeah, I got to rub up against it 'til I break the skin.

And they're gonna be mad at us. They're gonna be mad at me and you. They're gonna be mad at us and all the things we wanna do. They're gonna be mad at us. They're gonna be mad at me and you. They're gonna be mad at us and all the things we wanna do.

Just please don't name this. Please don't explain this. Just blame it all on me. Just say I was shameless. Say I couldn't slow it down let alone stop it. So you just hung around 'cause you couldn't top it.


My inner angry lesbian. Oh, Ani.

Oh Jesus

So today at lunch, after I jumped out of my skin at an unexpected loud noise and L asked me if I was okay, I decided to tell him everything. I didn't, but I decided to. He asked me again but I told him I just couldn't talk about it in the middle of the afternoon on a patio at lunch. He let it go. Then I emailed him and told him I would tell him but it had to be under specific circumstances. He was so worried that I would have expectations he couldn't fulfill and the truth is he has exceeded any expectations I have on a daily basis....so I told him I needed to talk to him sooner rather than later. Honestly, this shit is fucking stupid. We need to talk.

I haven't heard anything from him yet, but I'm ready. I'm going to tell him everything. I'm pretty sure it's going to be okay. It may not change anything about our current situation but I prefer that he knows the truth.

When that gate shut today I had no idea what it was. It was just loud and unexpected and I jumped and he said "are you okay?" and I didn't even realize I had reacted so I asked "what?" and he asked again, "are you okay?" and then I realized what had happened. I don't like loud noises. And he asked again about why I panic and I couldn't tell him....but he fucking noticed even though I didn't. And he's worried about fulfilling my expectations????

This situation is fucking ridiculous. How does he not realize that he loves me? Has since before? I can see it....even if it's just friends. L loves me. It's the most amazing feeling in the world. Even if he's just my best friend ever. I will accept that. Because it's fucking beautiful.
Amazing. I'll take his friendship over anything. He will never hit me. He will never be mean to me. I would do anything for him. Still. Seven years have passed and I still....well....he and I need to talk.

Mostly Better

Okay, so no hug when I got there because he was eating. He had me pick a movie to watch. I made myself a drink. Proceeded to sprawl on his couch with my head in his lap. No back rub. But that might have been weird. Hug when I left. Still on for lunch tomorrow.

I felt better the minute I sat down on his couch.

Gawd

Feeling super lousy. Drove home this morning and started to cry and haven't stopped all day. I keep telling myself it's okay. I'm just healing. It's a process. I can't be happy every single minute. Happened to be talking to L when it started and he was great. He talked to me all day. Tried to help me calm down.

Bought a bottle of vodka. Took a shower. Impromptu notdate with L in a little over an hour. At his place. I'm going to walk in the door, get a super amazing hug and then sprawl out on his couch with my head in his lap. Let him rub my back. I can't wait. And we're having lunch together tomorrow.

I love notdating this guy.

Precious Things

So I ran faster. But you caught me here. Yes, my loyalty's turned. Like my ankle. In the seventh grade. Running after Billy. Running after the rain. These precious things let them bleed let them wash away. These precious things let them break their hold over me.

He said you're really an ugly girl. But I like the way you play. And I died. But I thanked him. Can you believe that? Sick, sick holding on to his picture. Dressing up every day. I wanna smash the faces of those beautiful boys, those Christian boys. So you can make me come, that doesn't make you Jesus. These precious things let them bleed let them wash away. These precious things let them break their hold over me.

I remember in my peach party dress no one dared, no one cared to tell me where the pretty girls are those demi-gods. With their nine-inch nails and fascist panties tucked inside the heart of every nice girl. These precious things let them bleed let them wash away. These precious things let them break their hold over me.

BTW

I totally, shamelessly dance my ass off to music no one can hear but me (thank you iPhone ear buds). Had to ask L why the songs always changed mid-dance. Had to admit that to him. He told me how to turn off "shuffle when shake".

I'm dancing right now on Paula's front porch as the dawn is slowly breaking and I AM NOT ASHAMED!

Happy Dance

It is way too damn early. And I've been up for over an hour. Got a pedicure yesterday. My feet are amazing right now. I'm a happy girl. Been on fb quoting Talladega Nights (best movie ever) and random songs I'm listening to on my iPhone. I love my iPhone. Who knew a piece of technology could make me so happy?

I love Amy Winehouse. Seriously love that crack addled bitch. They tried to make me go to rehab, I won't go, go, go. Yes, I've been black but when I come back they'll know, know, know.

And now it's shuffled to Jimmy Buffet. How fucked up is Sarah? Seriously, if my iTunes says something about me.....well, Jesus.

I have no desire to go to the gym.

Oh yay! Indigo Girls!! For the angry lesbian inside!!!

Bad Idea?

Well, I may or may not have done a really good thing today. L has a film degree in post production. He's not using it currently but would really like to. Thom hates editing so Trip needs an editor. L is an editor. I just set up a meeting between Thom and L for this Thursday to discuss his editing work and possibly get him hired on at Trip. I could potentially be working and traveling with L for a long time. In fact, we just landed a deal with Starwood Hawaii and need an editor for that so that would be his first assignment and that would mean I would be in fucking romantic as hell Hawaii with L.

And I can't touch him.

What am I doing? He's excited, nervous, happy. I did that. We're going out for lunch after the meeting so we can talk about how it went. Yay, another notdate. Maybe he's back in my life so I can do something for him. Maybe this is a chance to do something good for someone else just because I love him and want the best for him. And maybe this will help Trip and I'll be doing something good for the company too.

Maybe in Hawaii we'll have a few too many Mai Tais.....there's this great little place in Lahaina....

Or maybe I've just destined myself to a long future spent in close proximity with someone I can't have. Why do I do this shit to myself?

Let Me 'Splain

No, wait. There is too much. Let me sum up.

This is what happened: After we left the pub and went outside, L walked me to my car. He leaned against the hood and we just started talking. Then he said "there's one more thing I need to bring up." My stomach lurched. I took two steps away from him and told him I didn't want to hear what he had to say. It sounded bad. He said it depended on my definition of bad. I took another step away. Finally he said, "would you be upset if I told you I was married?" I started yelling "what the fuck, L?!! You're fucking kidding me, right?!!" and at this point I had backed so far away from him that I was at the trunk of the car and he was still leaning on the hood. He said, "it's a yes or no question. Would you be upset if I told you I was married? Yes or no?" So finally I said, "YES! I would be VERY upset if you told me you were married!!!" and he smiled a little and said "well, I'm not married." I inched a little closer to him and asked why he would do that to me and he said "because now nothing I say could possibly be as bad as that." I was now standing next to him leaning against the hood of the car again and I said, "okay, you're right. It can't be that bad." And I waited....

He said first he had to apologize for last Friday. He said he never intended for the two of us to have sex and that while it was great he would like to "un-ring the sex bell". I said fine. His explanation is that he feels he's repeating old patterns by jumping back into a sexual relationship with me this quickly. That he always gets to the sex immediately and then never gets to know the other person or develop a friendship with them and it never works out. He said he doesn't want that to happen. So no more sex (godDAMNIT!). Then he said he still wants to see me and have dinner with me, go to the movies, meet for drinks, spend time together. He doesn't want to call it dating because it freaks him out and he thinks I'll have expectations of him that he won't be able to fulfill. So L and I are officially NOT dating. We had our first notdate yesterday and went to the movies.

So that night it felt horrible. I felt like he was rejecting me and didn't want me. But we've talked about it some more and worked some things out - and I've had time to process what he really said as opposed to what I heard him say. He's giving us an opportunity to build a relationship without pressure. I am very excited! I always bitch and moan about how men only want sex from me and never want to spend time with me or do things with me and here's L saying no sex, let's DO stuff. I'm looking forward to really getting to know him and becoming his friend.

We talked all day Saturday and made plans for the movies on Sunday. We met at the theater and he held the door open for me, had me go in first, and afterwards we strolled around the Pavillion (downtown on 16th street mall for those who don't know) and took some pictures. Then he walked me down to my car. Talked all afternoon today too.

Really looking forward to seeing him again....

Nikka

My face to the sky. Dreamin' about just how high I can go and if I'll know when I finally get there. Takin' off my glasses. Sun pokes through my lashes. And somehow I know, there's a time for every star to shine. Everybody got their somethin'. Make you smile, like an itty bitty child. Everybody got their somethin'. Everybody got their somethin'.....hey hey, hey hey hey hey hey hey

People keepin' score so better hurry up and get yours. 'Cause somebody else got your spot before you even dropped. Seek and you shall find everything in my own sweet time. I'll take my chances with what I believe is only mine.

Busy holdin' on so the roof don't fly. Keep you from movin' on so get it right. Turn the tide over like a love song. Like a butterfly. Believe it if you hand it over you'll come out all right.

Everybody got their somethin'. Make you smile like an itty, bitty child. Everybody got their somethin'. Everybody got their somethin'. Hey hey....hey hey hey hey hey hey. Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey.

Illuminate the silly things. Shed some light on all that's wrong. Everybody need it sometime. Sometimes the only thing you got is what makes you feel like you're somethin' else altogether. You have everything don't need no reason to be somethin'. I've been on the ride and caught up in the landslide. Girl, I'm gonna spread my wings and fly.

Everybody got their somethin'. Everybody got their somethin'. Make you smile like an itty, bitty child. Everybody got their somethin'. Everybody got their somehin'. hey hey...hey hey hey hey hey hey......

There's a time for every star. There's a time for every star.

Download this: Everybody Got Their Something by Nikka Costa.

Imma Be

No, it's not bad. I feel like I've just been set free. I feel amazing. I'm not sad anymore. It's like he gave me this huge fucking gift and I didn't see that it was a gift. I saw it as rejection but it's so not even close to rejection. In fact, it's the closest thing to what love really is and really should be that I couldn't even recognize it.

I am happy from my soul. I've been happy lately. Happy a lot. But I cannot remember when or if I have ever been happy inside my soul and I am. He made my soul happy.

I feel like a little girl. I feel like Squish. No one has had a chance to hurt me. Nothing bad has happened to me. I have everything ahead of me. I feel clean.

I feel clean.

IDK

Idk what just happened. Whatever it was doesn't feel good at all. I don't think it was bad. Just feels that way. I think it's exactly right but

I feel like just when I start to glue all the pieces back together they break apart again. Nothing is sticking. What am I doing? Who am I trying to fool?

I had a wonderful time with L tonight. We sat on the quiet side of the pub in a dark little corner. He said Squish looks like an alien - I put a picture of Squish as my wallpaper on my laptop. I ended up dragging my chair to his side of the table. We worked on my iPhone. We talked and laughed and touched and stayed there for two hours. When we left he walked me to my car where we talked for another hour and

It just feels bad. I don't think it is bad. Maybe it's bad and I just don't want it to be. He hugged me goodnight and stroked my lower back and then he walked away. But he came back and hugged me again, longer this time, tighter, and I leaned into him with my whole entire soul and his hands felt so good at the curve in my spine and I just held on like if I let go I would blow apart. Then he let go but couldn't quite seem to and he grabbed me once more and then he was gone.

And I cried all the way home.

Irish Pubs

So....we're meeting at an Irish pub tonight around 7:30. I have no idea what's about to happen but we're getting together again so I'm hopeful. I'm gonna want to drink beer and I can't!! Hell, I might just do it anyway. Now I have to shower again. And figure out what to wear. Oh! I'll wear my little plaid/black shirt and black capris. There's so much cleavage in that shirt it's ridiculous. And the silver necklace that hangs perfectly. :) I really wish I'd had a pedicure today....but I don't think he'll even notice my feet.

Relief

So.....let's see.....after I texted him last night finally directly asking him when I would see him again (thank you, Papa) he didn't text back for two hours. Kulin finally came to get her phone back thus taking away my temporary phone. Then I got on fb and he had just posted "ahhhh tethering bliss....." which means nothing to me but sounds pretty fucking awesome. I knew he was around so I sent him a message and asked him again when I could see him and then I went to bed (with the History Channel as my background music). This morning I woke up and there was a message for me on fb and I was scared to death to read it but I made myself do it.

He said he had responded to my last text but since I didn't have a phone the answer was Friday or Saturday. I will see him again tonight or tomorrow. And I am truly minutes away from getting my iPhone and being done with the week-long phone drama.

Now what the FUCK am I going to wear? And how am I going to keep my hands off him? Oh, that's right. I don't have to.

History Channel

After two months I finally have every cable channel ever in my room including DVR. I'm watching History International and I swear to fucking Christ I'm so hot for all things History Channel that I could totally masturbate watching this documentary on Rome. Fucking History Channel. I wish I could FUCK the History Channel. No, you know what it really is?? I wish I could meet me only me as a man. That's my perfect man right there. So does this mean I'm in love with myself? Does this mean I'm completely narcissistic????

Totally.

Or I'm just a geek and turned on by all things intellectual. And really, if I met me as a man I would fucking hate that guy. He's such a little bitch!!! And SOOOOO moody. OMG....they just said "Romulus and Remus" and "she-wolf".

I gotta go.....

Frustration and Melancholy

Still no phone....but I'm closer. Kulin and I pretty much devoted the day to figuring this shit out. Well, first we went to the gym. Did 40 minutes again and burned 430 calories. Didn't have the time for weights but I'm alright with that. I actually prefer weight training but as long as I get cardio in I feel okay. We left the gym and came home and called the Apple store. We decided our solution was this: Peter would take Kulin's upgrade and get an i4. Ryan wants an i4 so they struck a deal regarding school work. I would take Ryan's new (only 2 months old) 3GS. So we got Peter's phone. We couldn't get Ryan's i4 from the Apple store because it's actually my upgrade and I'm on a business account and you can only upgrade a business account from an AT&T store. It's stupid but that's how it works. Called over twenty stores and NO ONE had any in stock. So Ryan's phone would have to be ordered. Then we took the two fucked up iPhones to a guy who does repairs for less. He got them working but told us Peter and Kulin had damaged the LED screens during the screen replacement so the phones weren't going to work (you couldn't see the icons on the screen). FUCK.

We head back home where we do end up getting a little work done. Little meeting about our Prove It campaign. I get to follow-up with Radisson Blu in mother fucking DUBAI. I would LOVE to go to Dubai!!!!!!!!! Plus there were some other fun locations in the list. Like Moscow. What!? Peter took the new i4 and his phone and Ryan's phone and went back to work. Kulin sent me to the grocery store with a giant list and her credit card. I'm in produce when Kulin calls and says Aspen Grove has an i4 and I have to leave immediately and come home and get her so we can go get the stupid phone. So I run to customer service, tell them I have an emergency at home, leave my cart, and run to the Aviator to rush home. I get to Lincoln and Quebec (our intersection) and she calls again and says she accidentally called the Apple store and NOT AT&T so there really is no phone. I had to turn around, go back to King Sooper's, face the kid behind the counter, and ask for my cart back. Then I still had to do the shopping. $309 later I was finally done and only missing baby bell peppers and raw, unsalted cashews. But I did add sugar free chocolate, low carb protein bars, and low carb fudge ice cream bars so I can get my chocolate/sweet fix without hating myself for it.

I drove home with the back full of groceries. Kulin was so happy she didn't have to go (she hates doing the grocery shopping so it has become my chore) that she unloaded the groceries and then poured me a glass of wine. I did end up making the salads for dinner....and that's what we had for dinner. Salad. So I made dinner too. Whatever. Then Papa showed up so I made him a salad and poured him a glass of wine. When we finished the first bottle he dangled the Escalade keys in front of me and said he had a very nice bottle of wine in the back and thought he would share. I dutifully went out and retrieved it, uncorked it, and poured more. We all ended up by the fire pit laughing and drinking wine.

When I got back from the (Jesus, Ryan just said herroo...he's been standing in my doorway for five minutes just watching me type.....just threw Tripper's baby at me - he's been doing that all day - and now he's standing over me being, well, Ryan...and now he's on my bed...and now he's farting....ah, 14 year olds) ANYWAY....when I got back from the store Kulin made me put my sim card in her iPhone so I could text with L tonight. The minute she put the card in there was a text from him. It was SUCH a classic Freudian slip kinda moment - I laughed and laughed and made her read it and we laughed and laughed....THIS is what he wrote:

"It appears ATT is on a first come, first serve basis. No more reserve lust."

Next text:

"List."

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA So I replied:

"Lust? Really???"

And we continued to text about my stupid phone. I asked him how his dinner was (he has dinner every Thursday night with a group of friends). Then I invited him here for a cookout on Sunday and he said "I might be in KC or CA on Sunday but if not, I'll keep it in mind." WTF does that mean???? So I fretted about it and finally Kulin AND Papa told me to stop it and just be direct and ask him when I would see him again. So I did. Mostly because Papa said to. And he hasn't responded yet. It's been almost two hours.

Two fucking hours. So he's thinking about it....or he's asleep. I just don't believe there's any way he doesn't want to see me again. Right? He wants to see me again, doesn't he? I didn't fuck it up, did I? I think everything's okay but why isn't he more eager to see me? Everyone from the 12 year old girl to the 70 year old Papa tells me I'm overreacting. So it's gotta be true. I just need to calm down. Right?

Sarah Self-Calming Technique No. 1

First, I left the house. Then I smoked a cigarette. Bought a bottle of vodka. Went to the gas station and bought a giant diet dr. pepper (not my normal mixer but I'll be damned if I ruin my diet tonight). Came home. Mixed a drink. Popped Fallout 3 into the Xbox 360. Will proceed to blow the heads off mutants, slaughter wastelanders, and blow shit up.

Feel better already.

Except my FUCKING pants are falling the FUCK off so my FUCKING thong is hanging the FUCK out like I'm FUCKING 16 years old. I know....this one should make me happy but today it just PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF.

And now to my happy place....let's do this shit, DC Wasteland. I'm killin all y'all.

Shows What I Know

Nothing has worked out for me at all this week. Nothing! I've run into problems with the purchase of Cecilia. My phone has hardly worked at all. I've barely left the house and I'm ready to fucking scream. I've had headaches off and on all week and emotional ups and downs like crazy. Today started out well, my phone was working, had a nail appointment, the cleaning people came so I have fresh sheets (and I love fresh sheets), and I had the possibility of seeing L. But then I got home and our new screens had arrived and I handed my phone over to Peter. Then he took it apart and he and Kulin went into the bedroom to have sex. It doesn't take a half an hour for Peter to change into shorts and a t-shirt and it certainly doesn't require Kulin's help. So I'm pretty sure fucking was involved. And all that time my phone was in pieces. "oh, this will take ten minutes, tops!". I was waiting to hear from L. And the whole premise of me going to see him tonight was to take the stupid fucking phone with me so he could help me with the iTunes bullshit.

Then Kulin asked me to go put dinner on the grill. I came inside and said it's on, it's in aluminum, heat is on medium. How long will it take to cook? She said, oh a long time. So I went into my room and started reading a book. A little while later she went to check on the meat and said it was a charbroiled hockey puck. Then told me she'd never put it in aluminum before (after she told me to be sure I put it in the fucking aluminum) and said it should have been on low (didn't I fucking tell her I put it on MEDIUM?) then added it only took seven minutes on each side (then why the FUCK did you say oh, a long time?????). Didn't directly yell at me but I still felt blamed and it wasn't my fucking fault. She asked me to put it on for her, not watch it for her. So she made something else for dinner. Peter gave up on my phone again. Then she fed everyone BUT me, cleaned everything up, and then said "oh, I figured you'd just eat a can of tuna anyway". Then they proceeded to drink a bottle of wine without sharing or suggesting I open a second and if anyone could use a fucking drink right now it's me. In fact, FUCK this shit. I'm going out to get a fucking drink.

I guess the whole L thing doesn't fucking matter anyway because I called him from the land line and he didn't answer. Then I put my sim card back into my old phone and texted him and he still hasn't answered. All I really want tonight is to get out of this fucking house and go somewhere, ANYwhere else, and sit on a sofa next to a friend and watch a fucking movie and forget how FUCKING PISSED I am.

Everything is getting on my nerves. I didn't eat because I don't give a FUCK. I skipped the gym today anyway and my fat fucking ass doesn't fucking need to eat. FUCK.

I need a fucking hug. And I need to fucking cry my eyes out. I HATE PMS. I'm in SUCH A BAD MOOD.

Ahh Technology

So for two full days I was pissed at Peter for screwing with my phone and leaving me without one...especially with the whole L thing kind of up in the air for me. Turns out, it was the best thing ever. Last night I finally got the phone working again and texted L to tell him I did it! And he texted back, half-asleep, and tried to help me fix the last few things. Then said he had to go back to sleep. This morning when I woke up (two hours late after hitting the snooze button for exactly two hours) there was a text from him waiting for me asking if I figured it out. Of course I hadn't so he finally just called me (first actual call since that night and he spent a half an hour talking me through what I needed to do. Truth is, I could have done it by myself but I played stupid. He considers himself a techno-guru and I knew he wanted to help so I let him. Then my iTunes and iPhone weren't syncing "fast enough" so he told me to abort and try later. I'm pretty sure it would have been fine and I had Peter and Kulin right next to me who could have helped me if I really needed it....but.....well, I played dumb again. So this afternoon after my nail appointment I'm supposed to head over there so he can "take a look at it" for me. Is it morally wrong to manipulate a man this way? Or is it just clever?

Now it's noon and I can't WAIT for it to be later. He played a litle coy and acted like he might not have the time (on his day off??) and I suppose he might still keep me in time-out for the other day and actually NOT let me come over, but it's progress. Slow, steady progress. I am happier for it. :)

Totally starving. Don't want to eat. Missed the gym this morning and I'm feeling guilty. Plus I ate two Toblerone triangles last night and I feel awful about it. Looks like turkey meatballs and steamed veggies again for lunch....

True Blood

True Blood makes me want to fuck like crazy. I love that show.

Fucking Peter said the cast came in to his office and they had a huge True Blood party and he even got a True Blood drink!!! They are just now watching Season One. Lame.

Breathe and Relax

So we talked all afternoon. Not talked on any serious level...just chatted. I feel so much better. The strangest thing that happened all day was that Chris Moses talked to me too and at one point in my inbox I had, right next to each other, this:

Chris Moses sent you a message on Facebook
L Greene sent you a message on Facebook

Two exes in a row. One I want to punch and one I can't wait to see again. The best news is I think I am moments away from getting my phone back in working order. I took it to the AT&T store (and neglected to tell them Peter had performed a jailbreak on it) and was told I had to take it to Apple to figure out why it wasn't connecting to the network. But I think a miracle is happening in the man cave (basement) right now. Cameron was able to restore his settings from iTunes (he'd said he never synced it and I said are you sure but NO ONE CHECKED) and once he transfers his pictures to his computer we think all will be well. :)

Glass of wine, some contraband chocolate, old episodes of True Blood....I'm doing okay.

Oh I'm Evil

First, he sent me a message on fb asking about my phone. So I responded and asked him if that meant he was going to call me. He said he was just checking progress. But that's something...I think it's going to be okay.

Second, somebody pissed on Chris Moses' parade. THIS is what he just posted on fb:

"JUST BECAUSE no one has shown up who can love you on your level, doesn't mean you have to sink to theirs. JUST BECAUSE no one has come to take the loneliness away, doesn't mean you have to settle for a lower quality. JUST BECAUSE no one has made this race worthwhile, doesn't give you permission to stop running."

I gotta tell ya, that brings me some sort of sick satisfaction. FUCK you for being an asshole.

Fuck

Kulin just pointed out that I'm a week ahead of her....so we're pretty sure that on top of EVERYTHING else, I'm fucking PMSing. Being a woman sucks balls sometimes. Well, sometimes literally but in this instance figuratively. Not that I suck balls. I'm just sayin'. People do.

As GinyaNinja would say: Fuck My Life.

I love you, Ginya. :) And your naked pic was super hot. Love thyself!! :) 'Cause trust me, when you're 35 your boobs will not stand up like that when you're lying on your back. Good thing men don't really care....as long as you show them your boobs. You should take naked pictures of me. I've been asked before but pretty sure those guys just wanted to see me naked. Fucking MEN!

Day Two

No longer calm. Totally losing my shit. NOT calling or texting or messaging or emailing or anything. My phone is totally out. Peter gave me Cameron's iPhone (he got a new one for his birthday). Then he reset it to factory settings and realized he deleted 1200+ pictures Cameron had on the damn thing. So yesterday he took it back to "fix' it and retrieve the pics. Which apparently takes forever because I still don't have a phone. Probably won't all day. Which complicates things even further because if I'm waiting for him to call/text me then he can't really do that and I won't know what's going on. I mean, what if now he thinks I'm ignoring him? So I've been told to just call him or - worse yet - just show up at his house. Which I think is completely psycho. I can't just show up at his house! Who does that????

Then at the gym today after forty, not my usual thirty, minutes on the elliptical we moved to the free weights and Kulin wanted me to lie on my back on the exercise ball and do chest presses and I couldn't do it. I felt oddly exposed and this in front of a giant fucking mirror and all the other people working out walking by me and I just couldn't do it. I said I would do anything else but I couldn't do that. Then she suggested I go to a weight bench and I took one look at all the hot, buff guys that would be all around me and said no, sir. Not doing that either. So no chest presses for me today.

And apparently, it's quite evident that I'm having a psychotic break because Kulin asked me if I'd smoked a cigarette today and I said no and she said I should!!! She would never be the one to suggest that! When I said what?!? She told me she thought it would make me more sane. So I came home and smoked two.

Didn't help.

Oh Jesus

So I went to see Paula last night and we did our usual front-porch cocktails. I completely went nuts about L. Just started freaking out. Why would he call me? Why does he want to see me? What is he going to do to me? How is he going to hurt me this time? What if he doesn't mean it? Should I have slept with him? Would he ever call me again (despite the fact we had texted and called each other already that day)?

And finally, he called me and you know what he did? He didn't get upset with me. He didn't hang up on me. He spent twenty minutes just calming me down and said over and over again just breathe and relax. And I fucking did. Went from psycho freak out to calm just by listening to his voice. And he didn't abandon me and he didn't say screw this bitch. He just calmed me down. I'm still calm. He might call me today and he might not and I am actually okay with that. I'm not freaking out at this point. Last night I was lying in the grass pulling up handfuls of the stuff thinking there is no way I'm not going to ruin this and he said relax. :) He said I couldn't ruin it. Everything was going to be fine.

I believe him.

This from Paula

Paula says L is what God had in mind when He said "make man in my image".....DDAAAMMMNNN.

He's ridiculously handsome. I was wrapped in his arms. I can't wait to be again. Jesus, L. Please, do it again.

L

This is my L. He's incredible. He's beautiful. Really, can I keep you this time?

Am I Stupid?

So now it's late evening and I'm so very tired and all I can think about is L. I'm wondering if I'm fucking stupid or if this is the Universe showing me something important. He dumped me once and apparently wasn't nice about it so why would I go through this all over again???

I guess the answer is I really, really, liked him seven years ago. I did want more from him. I always thought maybe it was because I wasn't pretty enough because he, well, he is gorgeous. A work of art - perfectly proportioned, perfectly balanced, couldn't have been planned out better than he is. And I am so far from perfect it was like some sort of cosmic joke. Why is this tall, handsome, intelligent, funny, talented man dating me?

Cut to five and a half years with the biggest asshole on the planet who looked uglier and uglier to me as each day slowly ticked by. I was so weary and so sad and so hopeless. Now here's L again - just as perfect - and he came looking for me. He wanted to see me. But shouldn't some part of me be wary that he said "I really don't want to hurt you again. Not like last time." and also said "I don't know what the fuck I'm doing."?

I can't even pretend. I'm terrified. But I've been jumping off cliffs now for two months and this one's just a little higher. Plus the fall might really be worth it.

Seriously

I haven't felt pretty in I don't know how long and I must have been looking at someone else that whole time because I'm beating them off with a stick here. Remember funny, smart, no weird sex stuff guy? Yeah. Him. He texted me last night when I was with L and I couldn't for the life of me even remember who the hell he was. He was snarky too....said I never called him or texted him at all (which isn't true - he never responded). I texted him this morning and told him I'd tried but when he didn't respond I moved on. Well, he just called me. Wants to go out tonight.

I can't do it. Just can't. I have absolutely no desire to see anyone else. We are having movie night tonight but L can't make it. I'm bummed.

I think I will take a nap and have rememory dreams...

Oh My God

I am blissfully happy right this very moment. I was two hours late for our date and he was hungry and crabby when I got there. But he poured me Svedka and we debated dinner options until finally he just demanded food so we went out. Dinner was good, I think. I don't remember clearly because I was entirely focused on him. I told Jessica I was going out with him again and she said she remembered him being a complete asshole to me and that's why we broke up and she didn't want to see me hurt again. I told him what she said and he surprisingly completely agreed with her. I have absolutely no memory of why we broke up but he remembers. I'm pretty sure he's grateful I don't. He said I wanted more than he wanted at the time and he definitely remembers being a dick to me. So I'm not sure why he cyberstalked me or why he finally contacted me but he did. He's claiming mid-life crisis. I don't believe him.

He loved the little green sundress (which you can apparently see through because he also loved the thong he hadn't seen yet - I actually blushed). We snuggled and kissed and talked and laughed and I eventually ended up on his lap. He said he has no idea what the fuck he's doing but he definitely doesn't want to hurt me again. I said I didn't realize he was aware he hurt me the first time. He said he wasn't completely stupid. And he said he was sorry. And I climbed back onto his lap again. Kissed him. I said I don't know what the fuck I'm doing either and that was the best answer I'd heard in a long time - no lie there. No false promises. No bullshit. I don't know. Perfect answer. Perfect.

I really liked his hand up my skirt, on my thigh, for a solid hour or so while we pretended to watch a movie. I washed my hands at one point and his soap came all over me and he toweled off my dress and asked if I wanted a t-shirt and I just threw my arms around him and kissed his neck. I climbed in on his side of the bed and was sternly ordered to scoot but moments later there were no sides in that bed. My new dress was on the floor. Hello again, L. And the things I didn't remember were a huge, happy surprise all over again. I woke up at 5am and climbed on top of him and didn't ever want to stop. He kept the shower running for me and found me minty toothpaste because I didn't like the other kind and in the garage he hugged me for a very long time and told me how to find Starbucks because he had to leave for work. He's coming here for family movie night as soon as we have one (which, if I have anything to say about it will be TONIGHT). And I have absolutely no desire to see anyone else. Going to cancel the date with Coach I had planned for tonight. I will sit at home and wait. Happily.

I told him I wasn't going to like him less. Just because it was seven years later didn't mean I wasn't going to still want more from him. We're eventually going to face the same problem we had before. He just put his hands in my hair and pulled me closer. And then....well, then I forgot about everything else in the world but him.

He's beautiful. I want to keep him. And I am simply incapable of not smiling. Christ, L. Again. You're doing it again.

Do it again. Just this time, don't be a chicken. This time, stay.

*Sigh*

Christ, I'm such a...well....I don't know. We just spent an hour and a half on the phone even though he has to be up in five hours for work. We didn't want to stop talking even then but I insisted (mostly selfishly because we're going out tomorrow and I don't want him to be tired). We decided that I was going to head to his place and we're going to get dinner (there was talk of grilling out but we nixed that). After dinner we're going to watch a movie....

He's just so well-suited to me. I forgot about him. Well, not completely but being older and wiser now I'm learning to look for the things that are actually important as opposed to those I think are important. He's in film. He's into film. He loves to travel. He knows Neil Gaiman. Has pics of Tori Amos. Took a picture of IKEA when he was in Sweden just to get a pic of IKEA in the "motherland". He knew exactly which scientist I was referring to on exactly which show on exactly which topic on the History Channel. He's an atheist. He keeps vodka in the house. I make him laugh. He thinks I'm pretty. I've had sex with him a hundred times before but it's been so long ago that I'm nervous all over again. Not that we'll have sex. Just that I'll be around him. I cannot explain how awkward and yet completely comfortable it is to be around someone who's seen you naked but not in forever so now it's like you've never met only he's seen you naked but not for years but still he's seen you naked.

On our first date we went out to dinner and went to see Chicago. He actually wanted to see it and really liked it. He's that kind of guy. I can take him to Paris or take him to the theatre or introduce him to my parents and he will never be uncomfortable and will always be confident. He matches me intellectually and Jesus Christ, that's important. You can't fix stupid....

He has incredibly beautiful eyes. Eyes I get to look at all afternoon and evening tomorrow. We're getting together around 3pm. We're both saying it's to miss rush hour but I'm pretty sure it's because we really can't wait to see each other.

Coach who?
Chris who?
Mark who?

I am a happy, happy soul. And my little green sundress? She's going out tomorrow....

And They Keep Pouring Out

Unfucking believeable. Just unbelievable.

Last night I went out with Coach to Blackhawk to go to a casino. I leave to go out onto the patio to smoke a cigarette and there is an older man, older woman, and young man sitting at a table. The young man is standing and blocking my path so I said excuse me, he didn't move, and I had to brush against him to get past him (the whole time he stared down my shirt). I heard him apologizing to his mother - who caught him staring at my chest - and I sat down. Then both men started to talk to me and the dad asked if I thought he was cute and I said yes. I was thinking cute for a grandpa.... Then his son asked if I would do it and I said do what? He said do it, and point to his dad. I said do what? He said would you DO him? At which point I laughed out loud and said no! Then the kid said would you do me? The mom turned around and said Jesus, I'm sorry! I said something about too many free drinks and she made them leave.

Then I told Coach and he puffed up like a bear and acted all possessive which was in a way cute but not really because he does NOT own me, he did NOT go out there with me, and I will NOT tolerate being treated like property. I, of course, told him none of this. I just sat there and drank my watered down vodka tonic. We left, went home, and I gotta tell you....I'm not sure I like what I'm learning about having sex with this guy. He's a little strange. But....well, I'm just playing with him anyway. He's sweet and kind but he's the kind of guy who needs to be taken care of - cooked for, shopped for, you know, mothered. I am not about to mother anyone.

Then today I get on fb and have a message. It's from an ex. He looked me up on fb through my sister because he couldn't find me at first. He's been reading my posts for I don't know how long and just worked up the courage to send me a message. It was very cute and very sweet so I gave him my number. We talked for a good hour this morning and have been texting all day. We're going out tomorrow night.

He went to film school and does post-production. We need someone for just that within my company. He's from Chicago originally. He works for an airline now and can fly for free. He would love to go to Paris....

Haven't seen him in about seven years. So I went out and bought a mint-green down-to-there sundress with a little dark green sweater and some new sandals to match. Happy hour tomorrow, Citron Bistro....we'll see what happens.

PS - Megan, the twelve year old, is having a terrible time trying to keep up with my social life. I told her to mind her business. Peter, her dad, said she would like a report filled out and filed by morning.....her mother and I tried to explain dating. She says she doesn't get it. I told her she will.

Chuck Norris

There's a thread of Chuck Norris jokes going on Katie's fb page. A few of my faves:

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a condom because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light....not because he's afraid of the dark but because the dark is afraid of him.
Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo's hiding.

Lavender, Lilacs, and Lies

That's what I told him I smelled like the other day. Just took a shower and I can smell it again. Coach wants chicken alfredo. Who the hell yearns for chicken alfredo? It's such a boring dish! But I'm going to make it for him. Christ. I'm going to cheat and buy the sauce. He'll never know. I'm not invested in this enough to be making anything for anyone that requires heavy cream and fresh parmesan. FUCK that.

I should be at the gym. I should be working out. I never can make myself go when she isn't home and she's in Vegas today. I do have laundry going and chicken thawing. I am working here and there. I just don't want to face cleaning the kitchen only to dirty it again by making dinner. I haven't eaten anything today but there was an oreo on my nightstand so I'm thinking perhaps I'll just skip food until dinner. At which point I will not be eating chicken alfredo. Stupid carb-loading football players. He starts coaching tonight. Apparently school starts next week. God. I'll never see him again.

We're going up to Blackhawk this weekend. Gambling. Probably less gambling and more hotel room. At least that's what I'm hoping. I'm terrible at gambling. Pretty good at hotel room.

Inspirational Assholes

I swear to GOD. Between Jono and Chris posting about Jesus and motivational bullshit I am becoming suicidal.

Jono at least believes his bullshit. Chris is just a hypocrite.

Why am I still talking about this guy???

Grumpy

I'm not talking to anyone today. I'm going to work, clean, do laundry, and make dinner. Then I'm going to flee and let Coach rescue me. And I'm probably going to have sex tonight on top of some random mountain because that sounds delicious.

Toddler

I am an angry two year old and I'm sorry. Everything is not mine. Obviously. I get to see Coach tonight and we're going for a drive in the mountains after dinner. I will forget everything and act like a grown up and be with someone I can have guilt-free. He called me at fucking 6:30 this morning and I actually got up and answered it.

And you, you didn't make a mistake. You made the right choice. I'm just pouting. You were mine once but you aren't anymore and I know it. ;)

I really shouldn't rant when I'm drinking. But that's me. Impulsive, reckless - I should get that tattooed somewhere on my body. Oh wait, I don't need to. It's already there.

Coffee is delicious.

Frustration and Selfishness

I love that he's with a child who needs him. I love that he waited for the parents to talk to them. I love that he actually has a fucking soul.

But I want him for me right now. I want him to hold me and kiss me and fuck me and be there for ME. I know. Believe me, I know. But I can't help what I want. I can't help that I'm frustrated. I can't help that I'm envious of a child with bigger problems than I will ever have. I just want to crawl into bed with him and forget everything. I just want to crawl into bed with him. I can't have anything that I really want so I will take something that's close. He says he will make it up to me tomorrow. I don't want tomorrow. My heart is set on today and I'm not patient or forgiving or really kind. I want it and I want it now. Always. I've been denied so much in my life. I don't give a fuck. I want it!!!!! Where's my forgiveness? Where's my sympathetic soul? Where's my salvation??? Where the fuck is the dick that I want right now that will make me forget everything else???

Why can't I just be content to be alone? Why do I need comfort so badly? Why do I feel like no one wants me around unless someone wants to fuck me? Who's going to make me forget about HIM and forget how much it HURT? Who's going to fuck him away? Fuck them all away. I just want to forget. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to love. Just let me forget. PLEASE.

This is why death is better. I don't want it anymore. But this is a reason why. You don't know how lonely it is every single fucking night how fucking lonely every single fucking day how fucking lonely every single fucking moment how fucking lonely how fucking lonely how fucking lonely.

I'm fucking lonely.

Who will be my perfect drug? Who will convince me that I am beautiful? Worthy? Who?

I'll never have children. The children that I have belong to someone else. I hope that they know how very much I love them. I hope that someone will love me in that same way. That you are mine and I don't care what you say or do way. But I always fuck up I always disappoint. He chose someone else and that's been the story of my life. They always choose someone else or punish me because I'm not someone else.

Mark was bad. Don't misunderstand. He was bad. He hurt me. He hit me and choked me and threw me and abused me. But I still feel like something in him loved me. No one has ever loved me. Not like that. I know it wasn't healthy and I was right to leave. But something in him actually loved something in me and no one has EVER loved me. I'm a thing to be tolerated. At best.

FUCK

Once More

I can't help myself. I love you. I have looked for you over and over and over again and I can't find you. I can't find you anywhere. There is no one quite like you. There is no one so perfect for me, so perfectly designed for me. No one. I keep looking for you every day. I will never find you. I'm sorry for whatever I did that was wrong. I'm sorry that I had to grow up for you to think I was special or different or exotic.

I'm so so very sorry that you didn't love me enough.

To Him

This is entirely to you - and I know you're reading it.

I have always loved you. I have loved you since I was a little girl and had no idea what love was. I have loved you since our first kiss. I have loved you since I discovered I had tits and showed you and you agreed that they were amazing. I have loved you every moment we have ever spent together just talking. I gave you my virginity and I insisted that you give me yours. And you did. With very little fight. I love that we discovered everything about sexuality together. I love that you have known me since I was just a little girl, right into puberty, right into jesus christ, I have tits and hormones. I love that every thing I ever wanted to know about a boy's body I could learn from you. You let me touch and look and kiss and explore. I let you do the same. I love that you were my first and I was yours. I love you, ___. I love you even now. I love you, I love you, I love you.

I even love you this day. I love that you had to call me so we could argue a point. I love...God, I just love you and I will never understand why you didn't marry me. I love you. How could you have never understood that? How could you have chosen someone else??? What did I do wrong? How did I fail??

I love you so much I wish I was with you tonight. Just with you. Just near you. Just to hear your voice. Even if she was there. If I could just be there too.

Reality

So here's mine...I made dinner for no one. The kids were gone and Peter ended up going out with people from work. I got a car but I had to be alone with Papa for fifteen minutes and I cried the whole time. I have a credit card but I still can't cash my check. Coach is devoted to a kid he's with and wants me to be understanding and I am to a point but I really want to crawl in bed with him. I found out today that more people than I thought are actually reading this.

I talked to him this afternoon when our text messages demanded actual conversation. And then I was mad at him all over again for not marrying me because how could she possibly compete? How could he have possily chosen anyone over me? But he did and that's reality and I have to live with it. I really don't want to break up a family and I don't want to be the other woman (even though I already was ten years ago). But I can't stop feeling that he's mine, he's mine, he's mine! I feel like she's just borrowing something and it's about time she returned it. I don't know her. I know nothing about her. I don't want to know her. I don't want to know why he loves her. I don't want to know why he married her instead of me. I hate seeing her face. The only power I have over her is that he was mine first, he was mine again when I wanted him to be, and he can be mine again. But he could only be mine in the way that he wasn't mine. He hasn't been mine. He chose her. Sure, he's been tempted by me but he chose her. He chose her. He chose her. He chose her.

Why didn't he choose me???

Well, he didn't. And anything that happens in the future is still him not choosing me. I'm not what he wants. Never was. Never will be. No matter what I get from him I am not his choice. I never was. And that, my friends, is agonizing.

That, to you who is reading this (and I know you are), is AGONIZING. You could have picked me but you didn't. You may have strayed to me but I AM NOT YOUR CHOICE. Don't think I don't know that. Don't think I don't question why. And I don't believe you if you question why. You made a clear choice. I was lacking. I was not good enough. I was not the type of woman you wanted to marry.

And I think you're a dumbass. I think you made a huge mistake. I have no intention of breaking up a family - ten years ago I didn't care. Today I give a shit. I'm not going to be that woman. But goddamn it.....GODDAMNIT!!!!!!! You are mine. You were always mine. You will always be mine. You made a choice and it was wrong. Now we both have to live with that choice. Given again, knowing what you know, I think you would choose right. I love you. I will always love you. I will always want to talk to you first and be next to you. But how are we supposed to fix that now??

Reality is a mother fucking BITCH.

I just ate an oreo and I think I had an orgasm. Not even kidding.

Grrrr

I feel great today and the rest of the world just won't cooperate. My car is being worked on so I am stranded. I can't cash my paycheck despite the fact that payday was two days ago. I have to deal with getting the Aviator fixed even though I didn't break it and now I won't even get to use it tonight. I have to cancel my plans with Coach. Chris Moses is ass-fucking fb right now so everytime I go to the page there his face is and I'm still mad at him for sucking. I'm on the fifth load of laundry since 9am (not my laundry). I've cleaned the kitchen already. I worked diligently this morning and all it has done is bring more work. Which I suppose is good but I'm not sure yet because I now have to wade through over 30 emails to find out which, if any, are going to help me proceed with France. Oh, and I get to make dinner in a couple of hours for someone else's husband. He better bring home wine.

Come on, world. Get happy!!!!

Question

Is it too early for beer? Wait, that has carbs.... well then, is it too early for vodka??

Manic Tuesday

Woke up today decidely manic. I think it might have started yesterday now that I look back on it - and to the fact that I was baking and doing laundry at 10pm. I feel fantastic! I'm down more in weight, already started laundry, am about to clean the kitchen and make more bread, France is my bitch....

Jono is watching Biggest Loser. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (not for the weight loss part - just the title) He asked today how old Rachel was in a pic I tagged of her and the freakin' date is right on it. It was eight years ago. Do the math, Jono. Do the math.

Just thought of a song because the dogs are barking: "Fuck you too, bitch. Call the cops. Imma kill you and them loud-ass mother fucking barking dogs. And when the cops came through me and Dre stood next to a burned down house with a can full of gas and a hand full of matches and still wadn't found out...."

I miss Cecilia. *sigh* (she's getting fixed up before we sign the contract and I don't have her today)

Twitter

People I love to follow on Twitter (with examples):

Alec Sulkin (thesulk): "My so called 'imagination' just keeps thinking of Star Wars stuff." and "Girlfriend gone and no internet. Just jerked off to Halo menu screen music."
Michael Ian Black: "Decided I was magic today. It's cool." and "Decided the most efficient way to be an asshole was to become vegan."
Stephen Colbert (stephenathome): "I'm excited to be gay! Just think how it's going to help my self-esteem now that I'm highly attracted to myself!"
DearAnyone: "I hate what I've become (what I say to myself everytime I floss)."
TheBigIdea: "McDonald's should serve mimosas."
Conan O'Brien: "The President of the United States doesn't know who Snooki is. Our great Empire continues to crumble."
Sarah Silverman: "I try not to be as hard on myself as I am on other people."
ChelseaVPeretti: "Probably a healthy choice to listen to Eminem and Rihanna's 'Love the Way You Lie" on repeat."
shitmydadsays: "Don't focus on the one guy who hates you. You don't go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog shit."

thesulk is my hands down favorite. He makes me laugh every single day. One more from Alec Sulkin: "Gays are the Jews of sexuality."

Tweet!

Get out of Work Free Card

Today I got up ready to run my own errands but a snafu with accounting (grrr) meant I could not - can't do anything without your paycheck. Even though payday was yesterday, even though when a payday falls on a weekend you should get it on Friday, I still was barely even able to pick my check up and certainly wasn't able to cash it. Privately owned companies..... So even though I had already showered and dressed, I changed into workout clothes, went to the gym, and sweat. I came home, showered again, and sat down in front of my computer to work on a proposal for freakin' goddamn jesus please let's just get this over with France.

But I was given a free pass on a workday and was grateful for it because I'm surrounded by, consumed by, France. Not just Paris, no. Marseille, Provence, Monte Carlo, Cannes.... I can't even think about it right now. So when offered the chance, I took the Amex and the monstrous shopping list and fled. Then my phone rang so I answered it and talked to him and kept missing turns, going to the wrong bank, getting mixed up on the entrance to Ulta. Stood outside in the heat so I could smoke a cigarette while not in the non-smoker's car, just so I could keep talking to him. I know nothing good can come of this. I know I'm just wishing things were different. I know I'm tempting fate.

I don't care.

When we finally hung up I had made it to the right bank and managed to keep myself on track to King Sooper's where I spent I don't know how long filling a cart so full I couldn't even get the dogfood on it and had to go back and get it while they were checking me out. We had two carts to push out to the car (thank you teenage boy who works there). Then home. Unload the car. Put away the groceries. Stash my Diet Coke under my bed like it was contraband. Then I made dinner. Grilled salmon with fresh lemon and ground black peppercorns. Spinach salad with tomatos, bell peppers, avocado, and feta. And later, while playing first the card game golf with Cameron and Ryan and then modified beer pong (soda pong - but none of it was diet so I didn't have to drink it) with Cameron, Ryan, and Ryan's friend Ben, I made banana bread...which I then couldn't eat. *sigh*

So I've just changed a load of laundry, turned off all the lights, cracked open a sinful soda (and wished I had whiskey), and I'm getting ready to watch Tim Burton's 9. And all I can think about is how it used to be having someone next to me to watch the movie too. I suppose I have my Jangos - but she just takes up all the room and barks in her dreams. How absolutely domestic was my day? And I don't get the benefit of any of it being for my family.

But tomorrow I get to play pretend with Coach....so I'm going to make him dinner, and make him banana bread and hope that it's at least worth one night of make-believe. Because though I'm a nurturer by nature I am also impulsive, reckless, selfish, and single.

But hey, I didn't have to work today.

The Ice Cream Man

I was thinking the other day that the ice cream man should really sell vodka. Or, at the very least, there needs to be an adult beverage man who drives around the neighborhood selling cocktails.

Don't tell my you don't think that's awesome.

Fat Elaine

(Singing) Good morning, Baltimore!

Chris Moses used to live in Baltimore. I visited his ass in Baltimore. The last time I had sex with him was in Baltimore.

I fucking HATE Baltimore. Stupid Inner Harbor SUCKS. And Under Armour can go to hell too! Oh, wait, he QUIT. Monavie can suck my dick.

I still say I look like a fat Elaine in that picture from Sarah's wedding. But go ahead and call me Nikki Blonsky, bitch. You're lucky I love you, Paula!!

Really, I'm lucky you love me.

Today

Today I got home at 8 in the morning and had to come in through the garage because the front door was locked. The house was quiet and I was feeling serpentine and languid. I wrote a little then stretched out across my bad and slept until the afternoon. Didn't get much sleep last night. 6am was the second time. I eventually woke up and showered off the smell of a man (which made me somewhat sad). Had to eat. I don't care for eating these days. I know I have to do it or my metabolism will short-circuit but it's really such a pain. I even like feeling hungry. I feel sharper when I'm hungry. I feel driven. I feel like weight is melting off and taking with it so many bad memories. Of course, if I don't eat I'll stop losing weight so I dutifully put something into my body a couple of times a day. Does wine count as a fruit???

I spent the entire afternoon sitting in the park with the mountains as my backdrop and read a novel. Eventually, I got cold (but I didn't get rained on - just a spit or two here and there from the giant black raincloud) and stiff from sitting on the ground and then the light left me and I had to leave and head back home. I spend so much time inside the house or inside the gym or inside the somewhere that it was like a mini-vacation to just sit on the ground and put my bare feet into the grass, brushing off random little ants from my toes and moving away from the occasional spider because I'm terrified of them but I didn't think it was fair for me to kill them when I was in their house and they were not in mine. I sat next to Cecilia and it was oddly like having my dog with me. She was silent and offered endless comfort. What is my deal with this car????

My dog is curled up into a little fluff ball right next to me at the moment. She's sound asleep. She's a bed hog. I don't understand how a twelve pound dog can hog a queen sized bed but she does it. She'll lay on top of the covers so I feel all wrapped up like a mummy (which I HATE and is one of the reasons I like to sleep naked - I can't STAND having clothing/sheets/blankets twist around me).

Oh, and I left out a detail about last night. This is so dumb too. I haven't slept with anyone since Mark and this morning I woke up gasping - just sat straight up in the bed with a scream in my throat - and I woke him up. For a few minutes I was so freaked out - it wasn't that I was in bed with him, it's that for just a minute I thought I was in bed with Mark.

It scared me.

Hey

He answered....

Mmmmmm

Last night I caved. I went out. I wasn't going to. I was just going to sit at Paula's house and then go home like a good little girl. But I didn't. I may have just been a fool but it was fun while it lasted. He's a high school football coach and during the summer he teaches disabled children. What the fuck was I supposed to do??? Are you fucking kidding me? Disabled children???? Done. That's it. I give up. Yes, I will go out with you. Yes, I will kiss you. Go home with you? Alright. Sit on your sofa and talk? Done. What's that? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes!

And my favorite line of the entire evening: I'm going to fuck you and then I have to go to church. (circa 6am)

Not even kidding.

I laughed and laughed and then I let him fuck me. Jesus, if you're out there - yeah, I did it. And he's at church with his sister right now. Two hours ago....he was in my church, praising me. I don't regret it. Not one minute of it. If I never talk to him again I will be disappointed but it was a wonderful night. One of those nights I haven't had for a very long time. And guess who I don't miss at all???

That's right. FUCK you, Mark. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

I feel pretty today. I feel happy. I'm almost afraid to call him later like he asked me to because if he doesn't answer....well, if he doesn't I don't really care. I'd like to see him again but I really am okay with it being what it was. I don't feel used or cheap. I made a choice and it was a good one. Christ, it was a GOOD one.

He's at church. Haha. So incredibly ironic for me.