Oh Jesus

So today at lunch, after I jumped out of my skin at an unexpected loud noise and L asked me if I was okay, I decided to tell him everything. I didn't, but I decided to. He asked me again but I told him I just couldn't talk about it in the middle of the afternoon on a patio at lunch. He let it go. Then I emailed him and told him I would tell him but it had to be under specific circumstances. He was so worried that I would have expectations he couldn't fulfill and the truth is he has exceeded any expectations I have on a daily basis....so I told him I needed to talk to him sooner rather than later. Honestly, this shit is fucking stupid. We need to talk.

I haven't heard anything from him yet, but I'm ready. I'm going to tell him everything. I'm pretty sure it's going to be okay. It may not change anything about our current situation but I prefer that he knows the truth.

When that gate shut today I had no idea what it was. It was just loud and unexpected and I jumped and he said "are you okay?" and I didn't even realize I had reacted so I asked "what?" and he asked again, "are you okay?" and then I realized what had happened. I don't like loud noises. And he asked again about why I panic and I couldn't tell him....but he fucking noticed even though I didn't. And he's worried about fulfilling my expectations????

This situation is fucking ridiculous. How does he not realize that he loves me? Has since before? I can see it....even if it's just friends. L loves me. It's the most amazing feeling in the world. Even if he's just my best friend ever. I will accept that. Because it's fucking beautiful.
Amazing. I'll take his friendship over anything. He will never hit me. He will never be mean to me. I would do anything for him. Still. Seven years have passed and I still....well....he and I need to talk.