IDK

Idk what just happened. Whatever it was doesn't feel good at all. I don't think it was bad. Just feels that way. I think it's exactly right but

I feel like just when I start to glue all the pieces back together they break apart again. Nothing is sticking. What am I doing? Who am I trying to fool?

I had a wonderful time with L tonight. We sat on the quiet side of the pub in a dark little corner. He said Squish looks like an alien - I put a picture of Squish as my wallpaper on my laptop. I ended up dragging my chair to his side of the table. We worked on my iPhone. We talked and laughed and touched and stayed there for two hours. When we left he walked me to my car where we talked for another hour and

It just feels bad. I don't think it is bad. Maybe it's bad and I just don't want it to be. He hugged me goodnight and stroked my lower back and then he walked away. But he came back and hugged me again, longer this time, tighter, and I leaned into him with my whole entire soul and his hands felt so good at the curve in my spine and I just held on like if I let go I would blow apart. Then he let go but couldn't quite seem to and he grabbed me once more and then he was gone.

And I cried all the way home.