And He Accepts No Blame

This is what I swore just days ago to never tell. A little dose of Katie changed that. I'm not keeping other people's secrets anymore.

I texted him last night and I was ANGRY. I stood up for myself and told him I wasn't entirely to blame. He said he couldn't talk. This morning he called me and I tried to answer the phone but my earbuds were plugged into it. So I called him back and the damn things were still plugged in but I realized it and took them out and he was still there. He said it sounded like I needed to talk even though he pointed out that the night this happened I said I never wanted to talk about it again. I've had time to process things now and I did want to talk. Mostly, I wanted to yell and scream and claw his fucking face off with his fucking holier-than-thou smug fucking smile. But I was calm. Steady. He said he was sorry for what happened and I said that was nice to hear but it wasn't going to work because he didn't believe he was at fault in any way so for just what was he apologizing?

He had no answer for me. Kept placating me. I told him to stop it. To be real for fucking once and stop telling me what I want to hear. He said he was being real and this is who he is and he doesn't know how to be any different. Then he asked me if I still wanted to be friends and I told him that was the stupidest fucking question I'd ever heard. Of course I still want to be friends. We have always been friends and if I didn't why would this be so fucking important to me? Why would I have cried for two days over it if I didn't still want to be his friend? He acknowledged that he had indeed asked a stupid fucking question.

He asked if I believed he had provoked it and I said yes, in a way. He disagreed. He said he knew I needed a friend, badly, and he had just been trying to be that friend in the best way possible and then I blindsided him. I asked him why he kicked me out and didn't just handle it and he said because it seemed like a reasonable idea at the time. I told him the conversation was incredibly painful for me. Asked him when he would be home again. He's gone for another week. He asked if I wanted to hang out and I said yes and then he said his wife was really looking forward to it. His fucking wife. I still said yes.

I had my head on his lap and he was running his fingers through my hair and holding my breast and doesn't feel it was in any way his fault. Not at all. He was just being my friend. I was the one who was out of line. He was fucking translating an Italian movie for me and it was one of the most romantic experiences of my life! I had just been crying against his stomach while he held me. I was DRUNK. HE was drunk. WTF? I'm only fucking HUMAN.

I told him it wasn't so much that I wanted to have sex with him but that I wanted to crawl inside his body and not feel anything. I just wanted to take up residence in his skin for a while. Sex was the only way I could think of to do that. I wasn't thinking about wives or children. I was thinking I am with him again and I don't want to leave. I wanted the world to fade out. And then he took me home and let me cry my eyes out in front of him and let me feel terrible about myself and he just SAT there and had the fucking audacity to say I had offended him.

Good news, he said today that I could stop feeling bad about it. What a fucking relief.

OH MY GOD FIND A CURE FOR MY LIFE