No longer calm. Totally losing my shit. NOT calling or texting or messaging or emailing or anything. My phone is totally out. Peter gave me Cameron's iPhone (he got a new one for his birthday). Then he reset it to factory settings and realized he deleted 1200+ pictures Cameron had on the damn thing. So yesterday he took it back to "fix' it and retrieve the pics. Which apparently takes forever because I still don't have a phone. Probably won't all day. Which complicates things even further because if I'm waiting for him to call/text me then he can't really do that and I won't know what's going on. I mean, what if now he thinks I'm ignoring him? So I've been told to just call him or - worse yet - just show up at his house. Which I think is completely psycho. I can't just show up at his house! Who does that????
Then at the gym today after forty, not my usual thirty, minutes on the elliptical we moved to the free weights and Kulin wanted me to lie on my back on the exercise ball and do chest presses and I couldn't do it. I felt oddly exposed and this in front of a giant fucking mirror and all the other people working out walking by me and I just couldn't do it. I said I would do anything else but I couldn't do that. Then she suggested I go to a weight bench and I took one look at all the hot, buff guys that would be all around me and said no, sir. Not doing that either. So no chest presses for me today.
And apparently, it's quite evident that I'm having a psychotic break because Kulin asked me if I'd smoked a cigarette today and I said no and she said I should!!! She would never be the one to suggest that! When I said what?!? She told me she thought it would make me more sane. So I came home and smoked two.
Didn't help.
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