Am I Stupid?

So now it's late evening and I'm so very tired and all I can think about is L. I'm wondering if I'm fucking stupid or if this is the Universe showing me something important. He dumped me once and apparently wasn't nice about it so why would I go through this all over again???

I guess the answer is I really, really, liked him seven years ago. I did want more from him. I always thought maybe it was because I wasn't pretty enough because he, well, he is gorgeous. A work of art - perfectly proportioned, perfectly balanced, couldn't have been planned out better than he is. And I am so far from perfect it was like some sort of cosmic joke. Why is this tall, handsome, intelligent, funny, talented man dating me?

Cut to five and a half years with the biggest asshole on the planet who looked uglier and uglier to me as each day slowly ticked by. I was so weary and so sad and so hopeless. Now here's L again - just as perfect - and he came looking for me. He wanted to see me. But shouldn't some part of me be wary that he said "I really don't want to hurt you again. Not like last time." and also said "I don't know what the fuck I'm doing."?

I can't even pretend. I'm terrified. But I've been jumping off cliffs now for two months and this one's just a little higher. Plus the fall might really be worth it.