Alone

I have always been alone. I have always preferred to be alone. As I said in my last post, I've never wanted to be alone as desperately as I have wanted to be alone. I love being alone but I don't ever want to be alone. It brings about very tricky situations and impossible relationships. I am demanding and self-centered and entitled and at the same time I am sad and scared and wounded. I think everyone in my life who loves me also hates me a little bit and I think that because it's the way I feel about myself. How does one reconcile that? I love so many things about who I am, what I have done, what I have accomplished, what I have survived, what I have overcome and in the same breath I hate myself. And this is after years of therapy.

But right this moment, well, most moments really, I simply feel alone and small and lost. I no longer know how to interact with people. I don't understand boundaries or proper behaviour. I feel like I've busted out of prison and I'm free and I get why one would commit a crime to go back. The outside world is bright, confusing, lonely, painful. I cannot tell you how many nights I wake up crying. For nothing. For everything. Just crying. I would never go back but the loss is still there and it's still real and I have no comfort. I wish I could see you, Michelle (oh, GOD). I wish you would make me laugh again, April. I wish we could sit in your van and talk for hours, LaDesta. I want to hear your Mickey Mouse, Darren. Kate, Kate. I wish so many things about you. I want to hold all the babies that I will never have - Kait, Christina. I want to go to your wedding, Jess. I want to be thirteen again backpacking across Europe for the first time with you, Sarah. Katie, I want another road trip to Salt Lake for the Olympics. I want another road trip to Vegas for Phish. Katie, I want another road trip!!!

Mostly, I just want to figure out why I am still here. What my purpose is. What my future holds. And I really, really want to get laid. Sounds superficial, I know. It's not. It's liberating. it means I have really moved on. I am really my own again. Always comes back to sex, doesn't it? Sex hurts you and sex heals you and either way, I'm not having any. But the possibilities are endless and for the first time in my life I feel completely in control of who I have sex with, when I have sex, and why. I don't even mind going without. At least I know that when I choose, and who I choose, it is completely my choice.

I hate being alone. I love being alone. I am alone.