Regrets

There are so many things I regret. I know, you're never supposed to admit that. True fucking story. Sometimes I am flooded with regret. I had the best bubble bath of all time tonight. Fantastic. Never thought a bath could make me feel so good. I might take another one just because I can. Yeah, I will!

Then I made Chris mad. Not that I care so much - he needs to be shaken up a little bit. I have a feeling he's in need of some Sarah in his life. He'll come around. I'm just so incredibly lonely. It's strange to go from a place where you lived with someone and saw this person every single day, shared every intimate detail of your life with this person and then he's gone. That suddenly. If I have a nightmare there is no one there to wake me up. If I need tampons there's no one to send to get them. If my back itches I got nothin. But I don't miss him. I miss someone. It's difficult to adjust to life alone. Being single again is not coming to me easily. I have the urge to be completely wanton and promiscuous. But then I don't want to. Why should I let that random guy have sex with me? You have to be something amazing to have sex with me. I can't lower my standards just because I'm sad. Which is why it's really important that Chris talks to me... No lowering of standards there. I liked him ten years ago. Still like him now.

I keep fucking everything up. On a daily basis. I cannot find myself. Everything is new and different and the same and stagnant. I don't feel that I make choices so much as that I am a slave to my whim. I feel like I have no control over what Sarah does and I'm just sitting back watching the train wreck. How can one be so disconnected from oneself? I don't know who she is. I'm a little scared of her. I certainly don't think I can tell her what to do. She might kill me. It's like the part of me that I sacrificed for "love" is really, REALLY pissed and she's not going to let me hurt her again. She's going to destroy everything in her path and tell me to go fuck myself.

This is some kind of psychological disorder, isn't it? Am I like Sybil?

Dawn is breaking and I'm not tired. I still can't sleep. I can never sleep. I am irrationally scared of everything. I desperately want to tuck my head against someone's chest (Michelle, yours is amply proportioned for comfort) and be held like a child and told over and over and over again that everything is going to be alright. Everything is going to be fine. You are safe. You are loved. You are strong. You are capable. You are amazing.

You are beautiful.