I'm in the Wrong Song

I have always felt with absolute certainty that I'm in the wrong song. And here I sit, with the unprecedented power, finally, to write the song I'm in. If you care to, you can listen in while I try on new lyrics, new melodies, harmonies, chords, bass lines, rhythms.....you can witness the process of making music. My music.

I was thinking today. Thinking too much probably. Thinking about everything. You would never believe where I've been, what I've experienced, what I've survived, and how, miraculously, I am sitting here at this moment with my real life, the life I choose, sitting at my feet waiting for me to jump into it. I hate roller coasters and I love roller coasters and every time I ride a new one I do so for the first time with my eyes closed. If I can get through it with my eyes closed I can make it again. And again. And again. Everyone I've ever told that has said that's just stupid. It's far worse with your eyes closed. You can't see what's coming. And somehow, that's the only way I could do it. Terrified, eyes tightly closed, thinking serene thoughts. But it makes sense to me. So many horrific things I have survived from my past I have been able to survive by closing my eyes tightly and thinking of another place. Somewhere I've been. Somewhere I want to go. But always, always, somewhere else.

I am an escape artist. I'm very, very good. I can escape in thought. I can escape in music. The written word. Drink. Drugs. Or literally, by moving my body to another location entirely. But the truth is there is no way to escape yourself and eventually, you have to find a way to live with what you are, who you are, why you are, and even where you are. And you eventually have to open your eyes. The first time. No matter how scared you are.

My eyes are open. My heart is pounding. I want to scream, cry, hide, run, sleep, die. But more than that I want to ride this roller coaster for the first time with my eyes wide open.

I was told today that I can take over the world. I can choose where I want to go. I can go there. I can move my body anywhere I want to and no one can force me, no one can choose for me, no one can hold me back, no one, no one, no one. But what if I can't? What if I lack the strength of will, the determination, to rise above? Can I be strong? Can I kick dirt in the faces of all those who have hurt me, abandoned me, lied to me, raped me, abused me, used me?

I watched the fish swimming in the tank tonight and envied them. Thought of a song. "They say goldfish have no memory. I guess their lives are much like mine. And the little, plastic castle is a surprise every time. And it's hard to say if they're happy but they don't seem much to mind."

I wish I had no memory. The worst part is, I do and that damn plastic castle is still a surprise every time.