Daybreak

It's 5:40 AM. I've been awake since 3. It's quiet. No one is up yet. I feel all alone in a great big world. I've been thinking that this alone thing is good and terrible. Left to my own devices I feel I'm doing nothing but destruction. Kelli invited me out last night and I couldn't go. I wish I could have. She's my first new friend. She even likes my hair. No one could possibly like my hair. Again I say: stupid curls.

If I had tons of money I think I would get a weave. Nah, I'd just rip it out.

The sky is pretty. Clouds everywhere, gray, but behind them there are splashes of bright blue morning sky. I want to be bright blue. Pandora, anyone? I see you.

So I've been thinking about Mark. About the damage he has done. I'm getting really angry about it. My therapist would be proud. Thinking about her a lot too. And the women from my group. I remember the day she made us say no. She made us say it louder and louder and finally, stand up and shout it. I sobbed. Completely broke down. I felt imminent danger. Terror. Pain. And then I think about what Mark did to me. I think about him choking me and calling me a stupid fucking cunt. I think about the night he grabbed my face and ripped off skin and shoved me into the pavement. I think about bleeding on my pillow and not being able to breathe because my nose was full of blood. And I stayed. I actually thought he loved me and that would be okay. I would be okay. At least someone loved me. At least I wasn't alone.

I'd choose alone over that any day. Well, this day.

I think about the night he broke a chair over me. Hit me with it and it broke like a movie prop. Only it wasn't a prop. And it hurt. He held scissors next to my eye and said he was going to stab me, he was going to kill me. I felt absent. I watched it happen to this poor, sad girl but never once realized that she was me.

Well, hell. I've made myself cry.

My whole body is consumed by pain right now. Every single cell is screaming. How do I get over that? How will I ever believe in myself again? Trust myself? Maybe I deserved it. Maybe I still deserve it. Maybe I am a stupid fucking cunt. I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I can't breathe.

Why does your body insist on living? Why can't you just lie down and have peace? Why can't I have peace?? What did I do? What horrible sin am I being punished for? I just ended a sentence in a preposition. I'm going to hell.

My sister Angie hates me. When I left she said she didn't care that I was leaving, she never talked to me anyway. She screamed at me. She hurt me. I still can't talk to her. I see her post on something on facebook and feel wounded every time. She's my sister. I know she doesn't understand me but it shouldn't matter. She should love me anyway. How bad of a person am I that my own sister hates me?

By the way, I am drug free. Totally. Could actually pass a drug test. Can you believe that?? And you know what I want more than anything?

Love.

Gotcha. I bet you thought I was going to say drugs.