Well, my sister is in the hospital to have her first child. I still haven't had a child. I would feel worse but Ben hasn't had a child either and he's between me and Jessi in birth order....I don't know. It just makes me feel better than I'm not the only one who hasn't produced an heir. She probably won't have him until morning sometime. I'm so excited I can barely stand it. By luck or circumstance, I am here to witness his first moments of life. Two months ago I wouldn't have thought it possible.
And everywhere I look there is Chris. I'm not even kidding. What kind of cruel fucking joke is the Universe playing on me? I mean, it's just not NICE. Last night, even when I was in someone else's company, I went to my laptop and there he was - Sarah, Christopher has used friend finder to find friends. Find your friends today!" Mother fucker. Even if dude had made a move on me I never would have done anything. I couldn't. I was thinking about Chris. Then I just checked fb to see what was up and there his FACE was in a pic with his brother. I'm so PISSED I can't stand it!! I decide (not that I was getting anything I wanted anyway or that anything was being accomplished) to stop thinking about him altogether and he's fucking EVERYWHERE! I wanted to tell him how cute he and his brother were but I'm not bugging him so I didn't. (FUCK - I forgot I invited him to read this....well, let's be honest....I'm sure he's NOT).
The biggest fucking issue for me with Chris, the MOST frustrating, is that he's from my before-life. He's from when I knew who I was and what I wanted. He's not a monster. I don't have to be scared of him. I don't have to look for the bad. There never was any bad. So while I'm desperate to feel better after the shit I've been through, I'm fucking locked UP when it comes to new people. And they are all LIARS. I can't even begin to trust someone. I listen and every word is a lie, a lie, a fucking lie. I blew any chance I had of a friendship with Chris by being too fucking needy and insistent and demanding and weird. I know I did it. I knew I was doing it. I couldn't stop myself. Don't know why. I just couldn't stop myself. I wanted to feel better so badly. But, as I fucking already know, the only person who can make me feel better is me. It's just a process getting there. Now I'm in the process and I'm feeling better and I'm finding my footing on even ground and I FUCKING BLEW IT.
I love my car. It's SO my car. She's perfect for me. I drove her out tonight for no reason, just to play my ipod and sing my heart out, and we're already old friends. I have to get her. I won't name her until the contract is signed.
I don't want to see/meet another person. And yet, if I don't, I will be right back where I was. I have to do this to rid myself of all the shit that's hanging off me like funereal garland. I can't expect to meet anyone of value while I'm still feeling this way even a little bit. But if I don't continue to try I'll never get better. And I AM getting better. For five years I put up with far less than I deserved. Today, it's only taking me a couple of days to weed out the pieces of shit being flung my way by some angry monkey god. Okay, angry monkey god, enough shit already!!
I have self-doubt, I have self-pity, I have fears....but I also have courage, hope, and the very beginnings of a new, deeper strength than I have ever had before. If the Universe would just cooperate and stop throwing Chris in my face.....Yeah, I know, I'm a fuck-up. I'm doing the best that I can. Every day. And know this, every BREATH is a struggle for me. Sometimes I can't even breathe at all it hurts SO bad. So I'm pretty fucking proud of myself right now....despite, well, all the rest.
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