Well

Yesterday.....ah, Christ. I was sitting in my jammies with my hair all tangled and curled and a hot mess and my phone rang and it was ___. He was here. I made him wait. I jumped in the shower and got dressed and put on makeup in record time and I told him where I was and he practically knocked at the same time. And there he was. He looks so different and so much the same. My heart ached. I was born and ___ caught me. Not really, of course, but that's how it feels. I have always been in his arms. He told me I was evil. Oh...well, only a little. And shallow. He told me I was shallow. That makes me giggle a little. You get to a place where you have to protect yourself and where you realize that NO ONE is worthy of your trust. You get to a place where you're me and this is what you do. I am so used to hurt. I am so used to not being regarded in the least sense. I am constantly surprised when I realize someone actually loves me. How could you? How could you love me? Are you fucking stupid? And I crave it. And every once in awhile I trust someone. Rare, but it does happen.

And yesterday I found out that my best friend, my BEST FRIEND, tried to fuck Mark and Mark said no. And she told me a completely different story and I didn't believe Mark. And then I saw my sweet baby Kelsea last night and we talked and she completely backed up MARK'S story and I felt horrible. Now I don't know what to do. She's my best friend. She's my girl. I don't mind that she tried to fuck Mark. I mind that she lied to me about it. I mind that she's been lying to me for months. I mind that she told him to throw my stuff out. I mind that she told me not to see him. I mind that she's so fucking shady and for what? She's been telling him things I told HER as my friend. I mind that shit. So now what? My fucking GIRL. NOW what?

Going back to work at the Barrel. I was in there yesterday for lunch and I saw Stormy and she hugged me and smiled at me and said I just gave her a dose of happy. I love the idea of being someone's drug. And then Kevin showed up while I was standing in the vestibule, illegally in jeans and flippies, and ringing in my own order, and he walked up behind me and wrapped his arms around me and snuggled into me and said he was SO fucking happy I was back. I hugged Cheryl and Evelyn and the newbies were looking at me all crazy. Saw Chico again and sat and talked to him. Saw Paul and he yelled at me for telling him I wasn't staying and now I'm on his schedule so what the fuck....

Gave Michelle money to buy candy for her shift and it was Mark's money and now I want to beat the fucking SHIT out of her. He didn't fuck you, did he, bitch? No. I can pull that shit off but YOU FUCKING CAN'T. You should learn from the master. Little girl trying to play in a big girl's world.

I agreed to go somewhere on Saturday and I cannot for the fucking life of me remember what I agreed to.....but it's something to do with Jess and Derwood so I'm all in. Two of the most wonderful people I have ever met in my life AND they're in love AND they're getting married. I would like to curl up between them and never feel sad ever again. Think they have that power? I think they do.

Oh, ___ said he didn't want to hurt me. Funny, right? I said, that's what they all say. He said he knew he hurt me once and he didn't want to do it again. I said I was a child. It was a long time ago. Big girl now. Doesn't want to hurt me. As if, at this point, I would expect him to love me, leave his wife, leave his life, and proclaim his undying love for me. No. Calm yourself. I do NOT expect that. I don't WANT that. I don't know why we are what we are. I don't know why every single time I see you I am twelve years old again and the only girl in school with boobs. I don't know why I am instantly transported to back seats of cars, front lawns, stolen moments in the woods, in your bedroom, in my room, behind the church, carpooling in the station wagon.....I just am. But you have so much NOT to lose. I have nothing. I have no one. You have a wife. You have a daughter. You have THINGS. You have REASONS. Our fate was decided when you got married. But I loved making you shiver with kisses on the side of your neck. And I loved the way you grabbed me and spun me around and kissed me like you just might die. I loved sitting on your lap. I loved you holding me. I wish....but I wish for lots of things.

So what now? Mark is hopelessly in love with me. He fucking LOVES me. And I am so happy to be with him. I know. I fucking KNOW. Shut up. IDK what the fuck I'm going to do. I surprise myself DAILY. Not necessarily in good ways. Maybe he's different? Maybe he's changed? Maybe losing me did something to him? Maybe, maybe, maybe. I'm not leaving his bed anytime soon. He does things to me. Things. Crazy, wonderful, fabulous things. He won't hit me again. He won't. Right? Please tell me he won't hurt me like that again. Please. Because I am hopelessly in love with him. Ridiculously in love with him. I fucking LOVE reaching in the middle of the night and finding HIM. It's HIM. I love him waking me up just to say goodbye, I'll see you in hours. I love sitting next to him. I love the way he looks at me. I love the way he sneak attacks me with a nipple pinch or a tongue between my lips. I love the way he touches my lower back. I love the way he pulls me into him. I love the way he does everything. I love being on top of him and watching his face when I make him explode inside me. I love him. I know, I'm fucking stupid. Crash into me and I come into you.

I'm avoiding everyone who will hold me accountable. Come CRASH into me and baby, I come into you.