Oh, Sarah

gggggggggggggggggggggggggg

Sorry, there was something on my G key and it was driving me crazy.

So...still no solution to my living situation but at least Kulin and I are talking again. She came up to me on Tuesday and sat down next to me while I smoked (but not on her fucking property, thank you) and I didn't apologize and didn't put out the cigarette and there was some satisfaction in seeing that the smoke was going directly into her face. I know, I'm childish. I told her I didn't want to talk and she kept trying to make me. I was rather unresponsive. And you know what she said? She said she couldn't believe I hadn't asked her if we could work it out, that I'd just accepted it and didn't even ask. Now, why would I ask only to be rejected again? Why would I ask for something she made clear I couldn't have? WTF? She didn't leave anything open to discussion and she said she had been merely stating her position and I could have countered and I'm thinking with what???

So then she said we were meeting Judith to go sing karaoke and then Anjie was going to join us and I couldn't believe that once again we were making up over drinks. But that is exactly what happened. Went to the country club and got loaded. And as the evening wore on she handed me yet another glass of wine and as she did said "I am opposed to you drinking". Okay. So the next day I rocked on our conference call so that she would have to pay me and then I left and went to apply for a second job and then I went to Paula's house and proceeded to get drunk as FUCK. I ate ICE CREAM. With CHOCOLATE. I can't remember the last time I ate ice cream and I hate you skinny bitches that can eat anything you want. FUCK you.

Oh, and I met a drunk psychic named Glinda and I've been invited to a metaphysical get together at her place with Judith and I'm supposed to bring something for her to burn. Do you think she'd burn me?

And then Chris Moses called me and yes, yes I did. He greeted me with a bowl and a smile and yes, I fucking did. And it was great. And I would do it again. Drove home that morning and went to bed because I was SO tired and I couldn't sleep. I fall asleep and the minute I lose awareness I jerk awake and have to start all over again. Why is that? I think it's because I can't let my guard down long enough to sleep....unless I knock myself out with alcohol or pills. I'm STILL not used to sleeping alone. My dog sleeps curled right next to me and every time I try to move I feel her there and wake up. Or if she has trouble sleeping and moves around a lot she wakes ME up. We're getting used to sleeping together again. Mark would never let her sleep in the bed. Fucker. She's MY baby. She was here before him and fuck if she isn't here after him. Stupid bastard. My dog didn't trust him. Why didn't I listen to her?

Yeah, and on top of everything else, when I'm not home she's constantly calling and texting and saying the kids are asking for me and they miss me and I've been gone for two days and when am I coming home and yet, she's the one who wants me to move out!!!!!!! (I love run-on sentences - that's how they roll in my head....therapists call it "racing thoughts" haha I'm crazy!)

So I'm doing okay, I guess. Not sure what's next but today seems okay. I mean, all things considered. Didn't talk to L at all yesterday. That sucks. But if he wants to talk to me, he will. Today I get to go do the major grocery shopping for the house....Kulin hates it, you know. And not much else, really. Didn't drink at all yesterday. It sounded horrible. But I might love a cocktail in a few hours.....I need to sleep.

You promised to call me and talk my ear off and I've been waiting all morning to hear your voice and you haven't called me. I think I could sleep for hours if you sat up and watched me and made sure nothing could get me. Like with a shotgun, sat up and watched me. Do you have a shotgun? You could barricade the door and sit on a chair like a bodyguard and I could sleep. Well, you could at least call me like you promised. I would like that very much.