Well

I have so much to say that I don't even feel like writing.

I'm going home tomorrow. By home I don't mean "home". I don't have a "home". I've never had a home. I haven't found it yet. By home I mean the town of my birth. Or, the town of my family. Notice I said "town" and not "city". Deliberate.

So let's see...Oh, I confronted Chris Moses about the fact that he sells fucking overpriced JUICE and he was so offended that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I told him he was hilarious because I thought I was the giant pussy but he proved me wrong. He said I crossed the line and I said that's what I do so draw another one and see what happens and he said no, thank you. What a fucking joke. For the first time ever I really hope that he DOES read this. Special message to you, Chris Moses: Seriously, what the fuck? Are you out of your fucking mind? Are you really that fucking stupid???? Are you that fucking retarded? RETARDED, dude. RE-FUCKING-TARDED. It "cured" your dad's what now? IT CURED NOTHING! Your dad just loves you and can't believe what you're doing and is trying to encourage you because HE'S YOUR FUCKING DAD, YOU FUCKING IDIOT. And you're weird when it comes to sex. WEIRD. What the fuck is wrong with you? And you're not that cute. I can do better. That's why you like plastic bitches. You think you're the shit because they're hot but you have no idea what hot really is. You're fucking infantile. Hot is so much more than fake titties and bleached hair, dude. Keep going to Vegas. Go 'head, baby. Just know I am laughing at you and I'm not the only one. You're getting fucking OLD. Grow up.

Didn't get to see L before I leave tomorrow. I'm okay with that. L is something else. After I spit Chris out I thought I might chew up and spit out L too and I couldn't. I couldn't come up with a single reason to devastate L. He is a very nice man and he has been very nice to me this time around. I'm sad I didn't get to see him but I'm not sad because I think L and I will be good friends for life and who knows what might happen next. I like L. I think that he may not have always been a good guy but he is now and I am not that big of a bitch. L gets a free pass. Not sure he deserves it based on past performance but sure as SHIT he deserves it based on current. L, I love you and you are my friend and you are wonderful....

Oh, Jesus, Amy just came up on shuffle and I LOVE her. This song is one of my faves. Totally nonsense....It's called Monkey Man. Ay yay yay.....

So I'm going home tomorrow. Fuck, gotta Google it now...Hold on...Huggin up the big monkey man....

Anyway, going home tomorrow and facing demons. First stop, Mark. Not even kidding. Steve is picking me up from the airport with Molly May and I'm going straight to Mark's. I have to. Don't judge. I have to see him. I have to talk to him. I have to see what the fuck is going on. No one worry. He certainly won't hit me or be mean to me. He seems to have made changes. No, I'm not fucking stupid. I don't believe it. No, I'm not going back to him. FUCK you for thinking so little of me. I just have to see. I have to see him again. There are things....

And I can't wait to see _____. Can't even give him a letter, really. But you know him. My childhood sweetheart. My longtime love. The one who should have married me. I plan to see him too. And that's no more self-destructive than seeing Mark. Oh, he would NEVER and has NEVER and would NEVER did I mention NEVER hit me! But hurt? Not now. Not on purpose. But he has hurt me and I've never been grown up enough to accept that life is truly a fucking BITCH and even when you don't intend to or would never mean to, you hurt the ones you love and this is entirely different than the last time we saw each other and so much more has happened in my life and I just want to see someone who was there at my birth and loved me right then (okay, he wasn't there at my birth but it feels like it) and has never stopped and I don't want to do anything to...well, I just want to see him and see his big, deep, endless brown eyes and his smile and there's this way that he looks at me that makes me feel like he fucking sees me and I want that....

shit, racing thoughts....

Lot's of stuff....so much. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. And somehow I feel so strong and powerful. I feel amazing. I feel like I can face these things finally and keep my dignity and integrity and I feel like I OWN this shit. Of course, I'm probably completely wrong but I can't shake the feeling that I am HERE. Don't really give a shit about anything other than figuring out what I need to survive the next moment. So fair warning, I am not thinking about anything but myself. Not necessarily in selfish terms. Selfish by definition I suppose, but not with selfish intentions. I just have to figure things out for myself so if you cross my path just please understand, it's not that I don't care about you or your circumstance....I'm just figuring ME out right now. I would never intentionally hurt anyone. Not anymore. I just have to think about me and figure me out.

Honestly, I'm certain that I won't figure me out. I think it will take me the rest of my life and I find that rather exciting. In fact, I was told tonight by someone who prides herself on figuring people out to "please just be simpler". I rather like not being able to predict myself. I rather like that when I just show up shit happens, just because I am there. I feel like a mathematical variable. Chaos theory. Oh, my. I enjoy that idea very much. I'm sure none of the rest of you do. Makes me even happier. Dare you. I fucking DARE you.

Sarah is a fucking vortex. Where will you find yourself when you come out on the other side? Where will I find myself?